AAAAHHHHH

President's Trophy, bitches.
2nd year in a row.
Let the playoffs begin.


FUUUUUCCCKKKKKINNNNNN' YYYYYYEEEAAAAHHHHH.

Also, Megan and Mason Raymond are expecting their first kid really soon. As in tonight. So YAY NEW CANUCK BABY COMING!!!!!

Candy for the eyes and ears

This is a list that you probably will not find anywhere in the world, which is why I decided to compile it. Also, I was bored. Also, I was listening to music, and became quirkily inspired. Is that a word, quirkily? (It probably isn't)


Anyway, I was listening to some local music, and I began to thinking that the musically-inclined guys of Vancouver don't get enough love. So here it is, a list of Vancouver's 15 sexiest male musicians ie. a shameless excuse to look at photographs of dudes from your neighbourhood. 


So you can stop watching Rebecca Black's "Friday" video wishing that your Friday was a little more fun fun fun. Your wishing days are over - I just made your night a little sexier. You're welcome.


15. DAN MANGAN

the west coast poet.

14. JASPER SLOAN YIP

the sleek hipster.

13. DANIEL WESLEY

the harmonious aphrodisiac.

12. JOSEPH BLOOD (OF BEND SINISTER)

the metrosexual string playa.

11/10. ANDREW HUCULIAK & CAYNE MCKENZIE (OF WE ARE THE CITY)

the boys that you *hope are legal.

(*Disclaimer: I am still unsure on the state of their ages. So if you come across one of them, please take precautions. **Thank you).

(**Although, when you think about it, they are at least technically legal in at least a couple provinces, so really, it depends on how you ***define it).

(***Let's just make this easier for all of us and assume that they are legal).

9. AIDAN KNIGHT

the sentimental soul. 

8/7. TOM DOBRZANSKI & ZACHARY GRAY (OF THE ZOLAS)

the expert underwear picker-uppers.

6/5. DAVID VERTESI & DAVID BECKINGHAM (of HEY OCEAN!)

the pretty boys in the rain.

     

              

4. TYLER BANCROFT (OF SAID THE WHALE)

*HNGGHHHH.

(*translates to: Tyler Bancroft is so hot I would give up girls for him. Maybe). 

3. EDO VAN BREEMEN (OF BRASSTRONAUT)

the ivory philosopher.

2. VINCE VACCARO

#*/%@$>?#$@^/$&<#/?@&>?$%&^#$*@!!!!!

(censored due to its blatant objectification and undressing of Vince Vaccaro).

....and #1 is...... 








..........................




(drumroll please)






..........................
















1. RYAN GULDEMOND (OF MOTHER MOTHER)

the innovative frontman.

You may ask yourself now, how is it that we're able to make them so good here? 


The answer is in the water, the mountains, and the weed.


Have a good night, Vancouver.

Lived by the sea

I must admit, I started listening to this band because I liked their name. And to my surprise, I found out that I actually really liked their music too.

They're called IMAGINE DRAGONS.

Formed in 2008 in Las Vegas, Nevada, Imagine Dragons started out in Sin City's various battle of the band competitions before hitting the studio to record two EPs, titled Imagine Dragons and Hell and Silence, respectively. When they finally signed to Interscope in 2011, Imagine Dragons had already become a house hold name in Las Vegas' music scene. Their newest release, the EP Continued Silence, is filled with inspirational songs with catchy hooks, infectious dance beats and cute melodies that make this band poised for radio stardom. 

So what's the moral of the story? Judge a band by its name. It works, it really does.

Check them out at http://imaginedragonsfans.com/

Where Jennifer Lawrence is captivating

An interesting article regarding movie critics' "critiques" of Jennifer Lawrence in The Hunger Games: http://www.slate.com/blogs/browbeat/2012/03/23/jennifer_lawrence_s_body_not_skinny_enough_to_play_katniss_.html


If you were too lazy to click, here are some of the things the critics have said:


The New York Times' Manohla Dargis writes: "A few year ago, Ms. Lawrence might have looked hungry enough to play Katniss, but now, at 21, her seductive, womanly figure makes a bad fit for a dystopian fantasy about a people starved into submission."


The Hollywood Reporter's Todd McCarthy writes: "Lawrence is one of those performers the camera loves; her appearance alters in different scenes and shots -- lingering baby fat shows here, she resembles a Cleopatra there -- and she can convey a lot by doing a little. An idea screen actress." 


Hollywood Elsewhere's Jeffrey Wells writes: "Lawrence seems too big for Hutcherson. She's a fairy tall, big-boned lady (I've been in a hotel room with her) who's maybe 5'8", and he seems to be something like 5'7". Male romantic figures have to be at least as tall as their female partners, and we all know most girls like guys to be at least a little bit taller, so Lawrence and Hutcherson don't seem like a good fit. It almost looks like she has to bend over a bit to give him a hug. (Hemsworth, a six-footer or thereabouts, had no problem on this score.)"


Other than the fact that Jeffrey Wells seems to have an odd composition style, some of these critics' writings bothered me. Here's why:


1. The casting directors of the film did not cast particularly skinny people in this movie, period. It would seem then that the subject of weight, though starvation is definitely present in the story, was not something they cared to physically focus on in the film. And that's fine. That's an artistic decision. If they didn't want Lawrence to look super slim in the movie, that was their choice.

2. Why harp on Jennifer? Why not harp on Josh or Liam? They didn't look like they were starving either. In fact, Liam looked like a guy who goes to the gym on a daily basis. If they wanted to talk about physical inaccuracies, his is probably the most obvious throughout the film.

3. Todd McCarthy's "lingering baby fat" just seems off-topic in that sentence. It's an unnecessary addition and just makes me go...

4. Katniss Everdeen hunts. She's athletic, she's tough; she clearly has muscle mass because of what she does and in all likelihood she wouldn't have looked like a twig. So really, Jennifer looked fine for the character she was playing.

5. Male romantic figures DO NOT need to be taller than their female counterparts. Where the hell kind of imaginary movie rule book are you pulling that shit from?

This is the problem with Hollywood. And I know I may be redundant when I say this, but the problem with Hollywood and with our society in general is the obsessive scrutinizing of women's bodies. Women are all either too thin, too big, too tall, too short, too muscular, too fragile, too feminine, too womanly, too masculine, too plain. 

And we all wonder why women feel so much pressure to look a certain way. The images we see all around us tell us that we're not good enough, that we're not beautiful until we fit the standard of beauty.

The standard of beauty is far from being the only form of beauty though. The standard may be beautiful, but beauty is so subjective and it looks like a million different things. Sticking by the standard is Hollywood's way of churning out a bunch of similar movies with similar looking women playing similar roles.

Women are more multi-dimensional than Hollywood would like us to think, which is why Katniss Everdeen is such an important character. She breaks those standards - and I'm not talking beauty. Standards in how women should act, what women should care about, what women should strive for. I like to think of her as the anti-Bella Swan. She's her own person and you know damn well what she believes in and what she'll fight for. It's not often we see strong female protagonists on film who aren't just there to make the main guy look good. So frankly, I don't care how Katniss looks. I'm just glad we have her and the portrayal of her in this film was pitch perfect.

And to tell the truth, I don't know what these critics are snorting; but whatever it is, it can't be too healthy because Jennifer Lawrence for reals is GORGEOUS. Like, I didn't watch the movie 3 fucking times in the course of a week just for the costume design. 


Really, let's be honest here.

                       

                                         

Tips for a healthy playoffs season

This is for all you Vancouver Canucks fans. The ones who live in Vancouver. The ones who don't live in Vancouver, you're irrelevant because I don't see you, I don't know you, and thus your behaviour will not affect me. But to those who live in Vancouver, this is my equivalent to a master's thesis you could say, on things that, as a fan from a hockey nation, you should never, ever do.


I figured it would be a good time to bring this up because 1) The Canucks have clinched a playoff spot, 2) We expect the Canucks to go far in the playoffs, 3) Last time they went fairly far in the playoffs, the entire city burst into flames and 4) Canuck fans, though very enthusiastic hockey crazies, are generally a little thick. In the head. So they need this drilled into them a few more times.


I will clarify, I am a huge fan of the Canucks. I've been one for as long as I can remember. I was born and raised in Vancouver. Hockey culture has always been a part of my life. Although I've seen the Canucks go through its ups and downs - experiences which have caused me to have mild panic attacks - I respect the sport and I respect the team. I'll make fun of them from time to time, but it's more so the kind of teasing that you would do to someone you love a lot. And I do. I love the Canucks a hell of a lot, and I want them to succeed and win for themselves and for this city.


Which is why I think we need to go over some proper hockey conduct for this year's playoffs. For the sake of your team, for the sake of your dignity and for the sake of my second hand embarrassment.


1. Let go of last year. NOW. It was LAST YEAR.

I've encountered many people who still won't talk about the loss in the finals against the Bruins. Yes it was horrendous and yes it was tragic, but IT WAS ONE SEASON. There are still many seasons to come. And there are still many chances. Our team hasn't burnt out yet. The Stanley Cup playoffs aren't the fucking Olympics so CHILL. Yes, I was upset when we lost. Yes, I cried that night. But I got over it after a couple days and went shopping for a new Canucks jersey. Because there's always going to be a next year.


2. The Bruins are idiots, yes. Their fans can be idiots, yes. We don't need to be.

I've discovered one thing this season. The more you mock the hell out of the Bruins, the less you hate them. Instead, you kind of just feel sorry for them. Yes, they have the Stanley Cup and yes, they earned it, but that doesn't make Milan Lucic any less of an oaf, his girlfriend Brittany Carnegie any less grammar-challenged, Brad Marchand any less of a hypocrite, or Zdeno Chara any less of a back breaker. It kind of allows you to take a step back, accept that they are hockey players you're never going to like but that you'll always enjoy watching, and let go of the anger left over from the playoffs last year. And remember, the last thing we want to become is them. Keep your identity in check, Canuck fans. We're not Bruins bashers, we're hockey fans.


3. Treat away players and their fans with dignity.


Last year, on the day of the final when I was downtown, I overheard some idiotic Canuck fans throw choice words at kids. KIDS. Wearing little Bruins headpieces that look like bears and little jerseys. Let me just reiterate the fact that YOU DON'T FUCKING DO THAT. I don't even know why I have to explain why you don't do it. You just don't do it, ok? It's a GAME, there's no need to be disrespectful to little kids or adults for that matter, just because they cheer for a different team. In their eyes, you're cheering for a different team. We're all cheering for different teams and it has no relevance or correlation to how much worth we have as people. If you took hockey out of the equation, we wouldn't treat people that way. So just don't. The same thing goes for players. For example, in the case that Henrik Lundqvist should come to Vancouver a.k.a. amazing hockey player who is so handsome that he almost shouldn't be a hockey player. Do you threaten him? No. Do you threaten to make out with him? Yes.

                      

4. Treat our players with dignity.


As in, don't call Luongo the worst thing that happened to the Canucks, ok? Vancouver fans are completely bi-polar when it comes to Luongo and I don't say that like it's a good thing. We go back and forth on him, loving him one week then hating him the next. There's never a middle ground with him, and the way the fans take their opinions on him to the extremes is ultimately going to screw you over as a fan because you're going to have a skewed view of his abilities. Luongo, stats-wise, is one of the best things to happen to this team and is definitely the best goalie to play for this team. Many who do not realize this, I'm sorry, but you would most likely be a bandwagoner who isn't fully aware of Luongo's history with us (which is fine. I don't say bandwagoner like it's a bad thing. The more fans the better). When other people say that Vancouver doesn't deserve Luongo, they are RIGHT. We don't deserve him and we don't realize what we have in him. If people outside Vancouver can see it, why can't we? Sure, Luongo has his downtime but IT HAPPENS TO EVERY GOALTENDER. When Luongo is on, he's on fire. Yes, Schneider is a great goalie and yes, we are fortunate that he has stepped up as co- and is no longer a "backup." We have a solid goaltending team in these two and they're going to carry us into this playoff season. I feel like I need to say this again because at tonight's game, Luongo got booed and Schneider was cheered onto the ice when Vigneault decided to make the switch. THAT IS NOT PROPER HOCKEY CONDUCT, GUYS. IT DOESN'T MATTER IF HE LETS IN 4 GOALS OR 8 GOALS OR 16 GOALS. YOU DON'T FUCKING BOO YOUR OWN GOALIE. This is really basic, foundational traditions in sports in general, not just in hockey. The fact that we hockey fans in a hockey city in a hockey nation still have not grasped this is sadly very pathetic.  Considering how much we love our players, it's ironic that we still fail miserably when it comes to respecting them.

5. For the love of God, don't destroy the city.


Why? Because a) You will get caught, b) Vancouver is a beautiful city and c) It's just not very nice. Simple. If some shitfaced moron tries to start another riot this year, I swear to God I will push you into the nearest source of water (which, around downtown, is very near in every general direction. You have been warned). Yes? Yes.


6. Don't throw your hats on the ice when a player has scored a 'third goal' on a shootout.


It doesn't technically count as a hat trick. And it would only make you look like an idiot for throwing your perfectly functional hat on the ice that you could have worn out in the Vancouver rain. So please, keep your hats. Throw your sockeye salmon instead. 


7. When in doubt, think WWCHD - What Would Cody Hodgson Do? 


So for example, in the case of a riot, Cody Hodgson would most likely not set fire to the Bank of Montréal. He would instead probably be standing there giving out free hugs and singing kum ba yah AROUND a modest campfire. So keep in mind, if Cody Hodgson wouldn't do it, then you probably shouldn't either.

Thanks for reading my Vancouver Canucks Hockey Fans' Code of Conduct. Be a good fan and enjoy the playoffs. Celebrate responsibly and remember, you live here. Don't turn your living area into shit. It then reflects on you.

What the shit.

So I've been slaving away at my computer today, doing the final assignment for this semester. I've literally been sitting here for like 6 hours, and my friend Jaymes calls me and this is how our conversation goes:


JAYMES: Hi. I had 19 hours of sleep yesterday.
ME: What?
JAYMES: Yeah, from like 2pm to 9am.
ME: That's like technically two normal wake days filled with sleep.
JAYMES: Yeah.
ME: Do you feel ok? Headaches?
JAYMES: Nope.
ME: Fuck you.
JAYMES: Yeah, I feel great.
ME: Have you started your final assignment yet?
JAYMES: Nope, I'm gonna start in a couple hours.
ME: Really? Wow, how long is it going to take you to finish?
JAYMES: About 15 minutes.
ME: Fuck you.


I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I'VE BEEN SITTING HERE ALL DAY TRYING TO FINISH THIS SHIT AND HE SAYS HE'LL DO IT IN 15 MINUTES??!!!


Jaymes is clearly living his life to the fullest. I am living life in front of a computer, letting schoolwork take over all my time when I could be doing it in 15 minutes.


Now I know how he's able to get laid on a regular basis. He actually gives himself ample time for it.


Fuck you, dude. Fuck you.

What just what

*HYPERVENTILATING RIGHT NOW*

The Seattle Sounders (http://sounderswomen.com/) just recruited the following players to their current roster:

Never before have I been so thankful to be living 2 hours away from Seattle. I still can't believe it. I can't believe that the Sounders managed to land all three of them. Must have been the best pick-up line used of all time.


Thank you, Sounders, for giving me a reason to go to the States. Now I can actually start paying attention to those Seattle tourism ads at the skytrain stations.