Duncan Keith is ready for the playoffs

No news here.

Today in dick news, I present you Duncan Keith, a fairly talented Canadian hockey player on the Chicago Blackhawks roster who also happens to be a dick.

If you do pay attention to NHL hockey, you will know that the Blackhawks have their fair share of dicks.  They play good hockey, but their staff Christmas get-togethers probably look like frat parties of the 90s with conversation that consists of a lot of repeated words and throat noises.

Don't get me wrong, I really love watching them play and I'm sure that not all of them are dicks. They could do with changing their logo. And maybe their name. Other than that, they're a hockey team just like any other.

For those who do not know what went on, Duncan Keith said something pretty dickish recently to a Vancouver reporter. Here is what went down during the Team 1040 radio show:

KEITH: What did you see?

THOMSON: Well, there it looked like there was a penalty that went undetected. You seemed a bit frustrated.

KEITH: Oh, no. I don't think there was. I think he scored a nice goal, and that's what the ref saw. Maybe we should get you as a ref maybe, hey?

THOMSON: Yeah, maybe. Can't skate though.

KEITH: First female referee. Can't probably play either, right? But you're thinking the game, like you know it? See ya.

There are a number of fans coming to his defence (not from Vancouver, obviously, because we already think Keith is a dick whether we saw his comments as sexist or not). There are people saying that he was stressed, that he had post-game jitters, that everyone else is way too sensitive these days and can't take a joke, that what he was saying was actually not far from the truth.

To that, fuckers, I say this:

1. OK, he might have been stressed. It's a lot to ask of players to do interviews after a game. I mean, all that adrenaline going, all that money they're making......It's tough, guys, tough, having to *gasp* talk to people. They're only human, right? And you know what? I COULD GIVE TWO FUCKS. So what if Duncan Keith had post-game jitters? It doesn't change the fact that what he said was offensive. It's ok if he was feeling anxious about the game, but why did he have to pull her gender into the conversation? Why did he have to use it as an insult and a way to claim that she didn't know hockey officiating? I can't with people excusing the sexism BECAUSE POST-GAME JITTERS. Post-game jitters, my ass. Post-game jitters aren't a cause of sexism. Sexist people are.

2. Everyone is too sensitive and can't take a joke? I don't think that Keith meant that as a joke. He clearly didn't sound amused, and neither was the reporter. Sexism is still very prevalent and a serious problem in our world, and oftentimes it is not perceived thus. THAT IS WHY WE HAVE TO BE SENSITIVE ABOUT IT. If we don't call people out when they do it, people will just keep doing it, and everyone will think it's ok. Even when it isn't. We live in world and in cultures that normalize sexism. If we are to take the world out of the rut that believes women are not real people, then it's about time we stopped viewing this shit lightly.

3. Duncan Keith is right and women don't know anything about hockey? I think we oftentimes forget that there are many female sports reporters out there who, while they may not necessarily always play the said sport, are sport reporters for a reason (ie. They know sports). Also, if he really knows the game that well, he would know that "first female referee" has already happened (Heather McDaniel, anyone?) There are female referees working everywhere in big leagues and international championships. Female referees are not an uncommon thing, and if you watch hockey, you will have definitely seen them before. But I guess Keith has had his head too far up the ass of NHL hockey that he has no idea what is going on in the rest of the world. International hockey referee Lacey Senuk would not be impressed:

Duncan Keith has since responded saying that he never meant to be sexist. This asshole. 

Sorry to burst your bubble, Keith, but just because you didn't intend to be sexist doesn't mean that you weren't sexist. We do a lot of things we don't intend. Like that one time you elbowed Daniel Sedin. I'm sure you didn't intend to concuss him. But you concussed him. I could care less of your intentions. When you screw up, you screw up, don't give me these half-assed apologies excusing yourself because you didn't mean to be a dick. You're just a dick.

So the moral of the story is, Duncan Keith, that the next time your team loses to the Vancouver Canucks, don't be an immature misogynist about it. You have so much else going for you. Your elbow skills, for example. Don't let stupid sexist comments overshadow that elbow.

Deep thoughts by me

IT'S TIME FOR ACTUAL USEFUL EDUCATION!!!

(written by yours truly, The Best Teacher You Will Ever Have)

Today's lesson consists of the following lessons:

1. If you don't floss, you are missing 1/3rd of the tooth surface. SO FLOSS.
2. Barley in soup is the greatest cure for a sick day.
3. Lesbians can facebook message like it's the end of the world. I can't keep up with them when they do this, as I read very slowly. 

And that is all. As you can very well tell, I am not the most proficient learner. At the rate I am going, I'll be eighty before I can have a semi-intellectual conversation with somebody about flossing and lesbians.

In the meantime, enjoy this picture of goalkeeper Erin McLeod and striker Melissa Tancredi getting excited at the prospect of a hockey rink. The possibilities when it comes to a block of ice, people. The possibilities are endless. 

Never doubt that a small patch of frozen water can change the world. 

Indeed, it is the only thing that has.

I got 99 problems and hockey is one of them

I'm feeling it already, goddammit.

Hockey withdrawal.

I know it's been like a day but that's like the equivalent to a hundred Canadian years so don't fault me for it. 

I also listen to Justin Bieber sometimes and legitimately enjoy it. Although that's getting a little off-topic.

If you, like me, are feeling the hockey withdrawal and you're at a loss as to how to deal with it, have no fear. Here I present my attempt at curing you and making you feel better about the fact that you'll be stuck watching the NHL for the rest of the hockey season. Here are a selection of five of my favourite videos featuring Team Canada's current women's roster (save the one with Jennifer Botterill. But let's face it, she never really left the team). 

VIDEO #1: A guy I don't know (apparently he makes analysis videos for Nike) overestimates his ability against professionals. Like most of us do.



VIDEO #2: Evidence that robots will one day take over the world.



VIDEO #3: The classic pie-in-the-face initiation process for Team Canada rookies.

VIDEO #4: Apps and Hefford reminiscing on their failures as goal scorers.



VIDEO #5: Ouellette, Labonté and Bonhomme playing an intense game of board hockey. Caro kills with her adorableness.

That is all for now! Hope you enjoyed my attempt at withdrawal rehabilitation. They really need to provide more services like these for us up here in nowhere Canada.

THIS POST HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY:

Tessa Bonhomme's modelling career in the latest military inspired fashions.

Gillian Apps' existence.

Marie Philip Poulin's underage drunken shenanigans. #noregrets #itsonlyunderageifinbritishcolumbia

Haley Irwin Mouthguard Porn. Don't act like you don't admire that every time she does it.

Charline Labonté's ability to anti gravity that shit.

This sexy sandwich.

And finally, Hayley Wickenheiser's unabashed racism towards Americans.

P.S.

Crap, I shouldn't have logged onto Twitter. Players saying sorry for the loss and stuff. They shouldn't need to. As if we weren't already all feeling so many feelings right now. FUCKING CANADIANS WITH THEIR APOLOGIZING.

Please just

For the sake of all our tear ducts.

They say that you can't get everything that you want

Oh shit. Oh fucking shit. Just fuck.

I am fucking upset right now.

So Canada and the USA went at it with one another today for the gold medal in the IIHF Women's World Hockey Championship. The Americans outskated, outchecked, outshot and eventually outscored us to win the gold medal. They're not better than us, but they were the better team tonight, as Canada had some disciplinary issues and could not generate enough offensive pressure against goaltender Jessie Vetter. This is the first game we've lost all tournament, and it hurts. It fucking hurts.

This is what happens when your national identity is so tied to a single sport. When we lose, it affects both players and fans way more than it should. It's a learned emotion. I swear human beings aren't naturally capable of feeling this way unless they were born in Canada and grew up with this sport. I'm drowning all these unnatural feelings with vodka right now. It's not working yet but I have faith it will settle eventually and I will stop crying on the inside.

It's just that these girls mean a lot to me. I grew up watching some of these women play, women like Hayley Wickenheiser and Jayna Hefford and Caroline Ouellette and Gillian Apps. I've watched them overcome everything to be the kinds of players they are, and to advance the sport of women's hockey, which does not get the credit it deserves and needs. It fucking sucks to watch your heroes upset and disappointed in themselves, especially when you're still incredibly proud of them, whether they win or lose. 

I just can't watch girls cry. I can't. I'm like that awkward boy who grabs at straws and doesn't know how to react when a girl starts getting emotional. And it's not because I myself am a heartless person. It's because I'm probably just as sad and emotional and watching her cry is going to make me cry too.

Watching Canadian women lose at hockey is really heartbreaking, because they don't have poker faces. They show just how dismayed they are. And eventually, as hard as you try, you can't hide your anguish either. It's completely ridiculous when you think of it, because this is just a sport like any other. But yeah, when this team is legendary to you, and you're totally in love with them, you can't help but feel a little unwanted empathy sometimes. 

Hence the need for vodka afterwards. But whatever. Sochi is next year. It's all about looking ahead, targeting weak points, being disciplined in our play, recognizing the potential in our lines and aiming high.

All in all, it was a fantastic tournament. Russia won the bronze, a milestone for them and a great lead-up to the Olympics next year. With Alexei Yashin on their management, it's really nice to see them advancing in this sport. The United States' Amanda Kessel was a total star. I wish people would stop comparing her to her brother, because she is (sorry Phil) a way better player than he is. Jayna Hefford proved that she's in this sport for the long haul, and that her best game is yet to come. Marie-Philip Poulin is just set on becoming one of the best hockey players in the history of the sport, and I seriously think that she is the key to Canada's game in the future. Canada has some great new strengths too, including Brianne Jenner, an unstoppable powerhouse who will be one to watch in the coming years, as well as Bailey Bram, who has amazing speed and great chemistry playing on a line with Hayley Wickenheiser.

I don't know what to do with myself now that the tournament is over. The week went by crazy fast and it's going to take some time adjusting to not seeing games everyday. 

I seriously need to fix my crush on Gillian Apps though. For real. I mean, I could feel myself blushing profusely every time she stepped on the ice. And every time she body-checked someone, I was left wishing I was that person she body-checked. Man, if she ever injured me on the ice and put me in hospital, I would probably be the happiest person on the planet.

And there's definitely something wrong with that.

Her forechecking skills are just so fucking hot. And she in general is too. 

It actually really blows because unless I move to a province other than British Columbia, I won't actually get to see these women play until the Winter Olympics, which is FUCKING NEXT YEAR. 

Now that, might be the most miserable thing about this entire situation. 

And the reason why I am currently drunk as I write this. 

And listening to a Family of the Year album for the third straight time. 

A pilgrim's progress

Nostalgia time! Today, I wanted to reflect on the years I spent in my church's youth group. I was only there for about three years, but it greatly influenced my adolescent life and the way I eventually formed my identity as a Christian woman. To this day, I do think that the people I spent my time with there and the experiences I had were some of the most inspirational of my youth. Youth group was the first place I felt like I actually belonged, where I wasn't being judged, where I was loved and accepted to a certain degree. Looking back on that time, I see that it wasn't all as perfect as I thought it was. Many of the things I learnt back then I definitely do not see eye to eye with now. Such as the following...

Bullshit things that I believed in as a youth group girl:

1. That Lucy Pevensie > Susan Pevensie.

Because Lucy stays loyal to Narnia and Aslan, while Susan forgets about Narnia, thus growing farther from Aslan. She gets distracted by clothes, boys, and regular things that older girls get into. If you haven't figured it out already, Aslan represents God. You don't want to be known as the girl who picked dresses and shoes over God.

2. That I would one day marry one of the guys from Hillsong United.

It didn't matter that they were quite a few years older or that they lived all the way across the planet in Australia. If you were in youth group, and you were into boys, you probably had a crush on at least one of these guys at one point or another.

3. That Captivating was the best and most accurate book written about women. Ever.

This book told me everything I ever wanted and needed to know about my utmost hidden desires as a woman. That a) I desired to be rescued by a man, b) I desired to be recognized as beautiful in a man's eyes and c) A man is basically also a metaphor for God.

4. That abstinence made me more valuable.

Because a pure body was the greatest gift I could give to my future husband. Besides children. If I had sex before marriage, I would be indirectly cheating on my future husband. It didn't matter if the person I had sex with would eventually be my husband. And since cheating = adultery. And adultery = official sin from the ten commandments, then abstinence = my best bet and only option. 

5. That if I truly respected men, I would dress modestly so as not to provoke them into doing something to me that they would regret later.

Never mind men respecting women. My self-respect as a woman was ultimately tied to how men saw me. My identity, my value, my moral character, even my personal safety, could be measured by the length of my skirt. Short skirts led to sex before marriage, causing not only me to sin, but the boy I was with to sin. My sin and his would be my fault for dressing provocatively in the first place.

6. That boys don't like girls who look like boys.

As a tomboy teenager who was attracted to guys, I was basically fucked.  

7. That I would never fall in love with a woman.

It just wasn't an option and it never actually crossed my mind, despite the obvious signs that pointed at this someday happening to me. If you loved God and you put Him first, then He could help you overcome anything. Even love for the wrong person.

This post might seem bitter, but it really isn't. I loved my time in that church and I will always appreciate the people that I met there. Despite the pseudo brain-washing, youth group did help me come to terms with everything that I wasn't, and everything that I didn't believe in. I thought my journey of self-discovery happened in youth group, but really, it happened after I left.

The best game you can name

It's that time of year again!

The one time in the year where I forget that the NHL exists, where I get to ogle Gillian Apps without seeming like a creep, and where I like to pretend that women's team sports is just as popular as the men's.

Caroline Ouellette being buried after scoring the winning goal against the United States at the 2012 IIHF Worlds in Vermont

Yep. Pretty much my favourite time of the year.

The Canadian team have so far won their first two games, squeaking by the Americans 3-2 in a shootout, then bringing a whole new definition to "outscoring" by winning over the Swiss 13-0. The latter game drew some controversy and discussion as many games like it do.

There is obviously a large discrepancy in women's hockey between the two best teams and, well, the rest of them. Every international event in women's hockey always ends in a match between Canada and the United States. This is highly predictable and expected without doubt. Skill level in women's hockey across the world is so vastly divergent that the only real competition that the two best teams have is each other. When they play other teams, however, there is always the question of whether they should go hard or easy. Despite a guaranteed victory, do you play to the best of your ability and beat the other team to a pulp? Or because of the guaranteed victory, do you lighten it up a bit and make it a low scoring game, if only to save the opposing team from the embarrassment of losing to you 13-0?

Sometimes, I still don't understand why this is even a question in the first place. I kind of want to settle this once and for all and list the reasons why higher ranked teams should never, ever go easy on lower ranked teams. I am going to align my reasons specifically to women's ice hockey and to this particular IIHF competition:

1. First of all, this BS about players feeling bad and embarrassed. These are grown women. They have had both victorious and non-victorious experiences and as athletes, they know how to deal with them. Winning and losing is part of what they do. You can't pull the "we have to protect the girls' feelings" excuse in this.

2. If you are an athlete who has played competitively, you will know that you never, ever want your opponent to go easy on you. Why? Because it completely defies the meaning of competition and is an insult to both you and your competitor and everything that you have trained so hard to do. In competitive sports, it is all or nothing. You are not there to be nice to your opponent. You are there to challenge them as well as yourself. Who wants their opponent to feel sorry for them? To lighten up their play because you're not good enough for them? That in itself would be way worse and humiliating than losing 13-0 -- to know that your opponent is playing half assed because they think you cannot handle their skill level. I mean, no, just no. The thought of it just makes me cringe. There is no room in sports for any of that crap.

3. The teams participating in the IIHF Women's World's are ranked not only by games won, but by goal differential as well. What does that mean? The number of goals you score determines where you go. It is your safety net because it will be your tie-breaker. This means that you score as many goals as you can. There is no room to play it safe or to slack off, at least not in this kind of competition.

4. The only way for lower ranked teams to move up and to develop their play is to see what the best teams have to offer. It is a learning experience that is highly valuable and effective. How are these teams going to learn how to better their play if they only meet teams that are not going to challenge them, or if they play teams that aren't performing to the best of their ability? These women need to see their own potential, and they can only experience this by playing a team that is going to show absolutely no mercy. I've heard many people say that we should just have competitions solely for North American players, because it is completely useless for them to be competing against foreign teams if they are going to be winning all the games anyway. Inclusion is the only way to evolve this sport for women, and that means competing together for the good of everyone. There is potential everywhere, not just in North America, and it would be foolish to ignore that. 

5. To the people who say women's hockey is a joke because of the crazy goal differential at some of these games: Men's hockey started this way too, and there are still men's leagues as well as international competitions out there where the scoring is completely leaning. Women's ice hockey is still very new in many countries, and it will take some time for skills to develop. Remember that the first women's world championship did not occur until 1990, and it didn't get its own Olympic event until 1998. The Americans did not overthrow Canada in women's hockey until 1997, nearly a decade after the first worlds. To this day, there is a lack of funding around the world for this sport. THINGS LIKE THIS TAKE TIME. It is not realistic for us to expect change now, to expect all women all around the world to be playing at the same level, to be as balanced as the men. Men's hockey had a head start on this thing, and with big pro leagues such as the NHL, where men get paid millions of dollars to play hockey, the men definitely have the advantage when it comes to honing in on talent and developing the sport. Women's hockey leagues, even in Canada, still don't pay their athletes, many of whom need to keep careers outside of their hockey playing. Female hockey players are getting by on their own, a real testament to dedication and love of the sport, both for themselves and for those they inspire, who will hopefully see the day where they are recognized and acknowledged as professional athletes.

OK I'm done. Sorry, I just feel that things like this need to be said, just to clear up some of the stigma surrounding women's hockey. If you understand hockey and you understand competition, all the above points that I made should make sense to you. To all those people whining about how uninteresting the sport is, how these players could never compete against NHL players (because that comparison is so fair in the first place), how you'd rather watch goddamn Blue Jays baseball or something, just remember that these women are paving the way for their daughters, and for yours. When your kids and grandkids start playing hockey, these players will be their idols. I definitely don't think that this is the time to disregard what they do.

On an end note, the Swiss goalie, Sophie Anthamatten, stopped about a million shots last night (specifically, around 70). HOW ANYONE CAN DO THAT AND STILL BE SANE BY THE END OF THE GAME IS AMAZING TO ME. I mean, that would be the workout of my life. She really deserved player of the game.