A pilgrim's progress

Nostalgia time! Today, I wanted to reflect on the years I spent in my church's youth group. I was only there for about three years, but it greatly influenced my adolescent life and the way I eventually formed my identity as a Christian woman. To this day, I do think that the people I spent my time with there and the experiences I had were some of the most inspirational of my youth. Youth group was the first place I felt like I actually belonged, where I wasn't being judged, where I was loved and accepted to a certain degree. Looking back on that time, I see that it wasn't all as perfect as I thought it was. Many of the things I learnt back then I definitely do not see eye to eye with now. Such as the following...

Bullshit things that I believed in as a youth group girl:

1. That Lucy Pevensie > Susan Pevensie.

Because Lucy stays loyal to Narnia and Aslan, while Susan forgets about Narnia, thus growing farther from Aslan. She gets distracted by clothes, boys, and regular things that older girls get into. If you haven't figured it out already, Aslan represents God. You don't want to be known as the girl who picked dresses and shoes over God.

2. That I would one day marry one of the guys from Hillsong United.

It didn't matter that they were quite a few years older or that they lived all the way across the planet in Australia. If you were in youth group, and you were into boys, you probably had a crush on at least one of these guys at one point or another.

3. That Captivating was the best and most accurate book written about women. Ever.

This book told me everything I ever wanted and needed to know about my utmost hidden desires as a woman. That a) I desired to be rescued by a man, b) I desired to be recognized as beautiful in a man's eyes and c) A man is basically also a metaphor for God.

4. That abstinence made me more valuable.

Because a pure body was the greatest gift I could give to my future husband. Besides children. If I had sex before marriage, I would be indirectly cheating on my future husband. It didn't matter if the person I had sex with would eventually be my husband. And since cheating = adultery. And adultery = official sin from the ten commandments, then abstinence = my best bet and only option. 

5. That if I truly respected men, I would dress modestly so as not to provoke them into doing something to me that they would regret later.

Never mind men respecting women. My self-respect as a woman was ultimately tied to how men saw me. My identity, my value, my moral character, even my personal safety, could be measured by the length of my skirt. Short skirts led to sex before marriage, causing not only me to sin, but the boy I was with to sin. My sin and his would be my fault for dressing provocatively in the first place.

6. That boys don't like girls who look like boys.

As a tomboy teenager who was attracted to guys, I was basically fucked.  

7. That I would never fall in love with a woman.

It just wasn't an option and it never actually crossed my mind, despite the obvious signs that pointed at this someday happening to me. If you loved God and you put Him first, then He could help you overcome anything. Even love for the wrong person.

This post might seem bitter, but it really isn't. I loved my time in that church and I will always appreciate the people that I met there. Despite the pseudo brain-washing, youth group did help me come to terms with everything that I wasn't, and everything that I didn't believe in. I thought my journey of self-discovery happened in youth group, but really, it happened after I left.