The British are coming. The British are coming.

So.


One Direction is in Canada.

And by Canada, I mean Toronto. So there in no danger whatsoever of them being mauled by little ole me way over here on the other side of the country in little ole Vancouver #welldamn


In case you don't already know, Canada is a humongous country. 2nd biggest country in the world, to be exact.

In terms of physical geography.


In terms of population, I think we're dead last.


So anyway, this is to say that I'm fucking pissed that Toronto gets everything.


Seriously, when people come to Canada, they come to Toronto because as sad as it sounds, a lot of them think that Toronto is technically Canada's centre and everything Canadian is easy to get to from Toronto.


I'm not joking. I once had this American girl ask me if I could just hop over to Toronto to watch Wicked, since it wasn't coming to Vancouver. 


HOP OVER.


LIKE A RABBIT.


CANADA IS THE 2ND LARGEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, YOU CAN'T HOP OVER ANYWHERE UNLESS IT'S TO YOUR NEAREST FRIDGE TO TAKE OUT A BEER AND DRINK YOUR FEELINGS DOWN BECAUSE YOUR HOCKEY TEAM ISN'T IN THE STANLEY CUP FINALS. 


#NOHARDFEELINGSCANUCKS


And to tell the truth, Toronto isn't even all that great. Even people from Toronto admit that Toronto isn't that great.


If you really want a good time in eastern Canada, I say move up a province and visit Montréal instead.


Or just come to Vancouver. GUYS GUYS JUST COME TO VANCOUVER AND HANG OUT WITH ME PLEASE.


I think the reason I am so bitter is because Lauren Toyota of MuchMusic interviewed the boys today and she did such a fucking awful job that the whole time I was seriously all 

I'm going to give Lauren Toyota the benefit of the doubt and say that MuchMusic is partially at fault as well because they either a) Allowed her to ask these questions, b) Encouraged her to ask these questions or c) Did not give a flying fuck.


Though overall, I must admit I would probably put most of the blame on MuchMusic for hiring her in the first place. As well as all the other shitty VJs who now work for them. What was once a reputable Canadian music channel is now a poor man's MTV that plays more CW television shows than actual music, rides the dick of teenage pop culture and hires VJs off the street who have absolutely no charisma in front of the camera and cannot write their own programming to save their lives. 


For getting to interview One Direction, Lauren Toyota is, technically, the luckiest girl in the country. Hell, if I got the chance to interview One Direction, I would take the gig seriously. Just because a) I kind of love these guys, b) They're British/Irish, c) I wouldn't want to bore them to death, d) I wouldn't want to embarrass them, e) I want them to come back to Canada and not just Toronto and most important of all f) I want to do my job properly.


Emphasis on DOING YOUR JOB PROPERLY, which Lauren Toyota didn't really end up accomplishing, sadly enough.


Here are some of the topics that came up during this humiliating interview:


1. Butt insurance
2. Puberty
3. Nudity
4. Leopard print underwear
5. One Direction fanfiction
6. Harry and Louis' sexual relationship
7. Girls who like to see boys make out


The last couple ones were especially painful. Lauren was so insistent upon these topics that even poor, confused Liam at the other side of the table was all "I - I - I don't even know how we got to this subject...."

                          

                          

Just, fail, Lauren Toyota. Fail. I guess the one good thing that came out of that awkward question was Louis and Harry's expressions at the end where they're looking at her apathetically.


Funnily enough, this interview kind of made me less ashamed of being a fan of theirs. I mean, for a boy band, they've got some class. They dodged every stupid question she had by not giving her the satisfaction of an enthusiastic answer, Louis gave her some attitude, and Liam did literally face-palm on the table a couple times on top of directly questioning the nature of the interview. 


I'm going to offer you a deal, MuchMusic. Since Lauren Toyota clearly fucked this over and it looks as if One Direction can no longer take Canada seriously because of it, I propose you let me interview them the next time they come over here.


I promise to do my research properly, ask noteworthy questions and be a professional. 


Most of all, I promise to lure them back to Canada by charming the pants off them. 


Not literally. You'd have to pay me a lot more than a reporter's wage if you wanted me to do that literally.


In the meantime, I can't wait to watch their new UK tour DVD and getting totally wasted as I do so. 

THE END.