Loki'ed

You know what scares me more than the impending apocalypse, Ashton Kutcher's face and flesh-eating piranhas?

Tom Hiddleston's fanbase.


For those of you who do not know Tom Hiddleston, GET WITH THE FUCKING PROGRAM AND STOP DEPRIVING YOURSELF OF BEAUTY.

I know some people have been waiting for this post. I've been working on this one for a few weeks now - the longest I've ever dedicated to a blog post. So before I go into the craziness that is this guy's fans, I'll give you a little background info on him.

Tom Hiddleston is a British actor, born to a stage manager and a physical chemistry scientist. He attended Dragon School in North Oxford and later Eton College. He received a degree in Classics at the University of Cambridge and also went on to study at and graduate from the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts. He has appeared in various plays, BBC productions and is best known for his roles in Thor, The Avengers, War Horse, The Deep Blue Sea and Midnight in Paris. His upcoming projects include a role alongside Mia Wasikowska and Tilda Swinton in a vampire film titled Only Lovers Left Alive, directed by the very talented Jim Jarmusch. He can also be seen in the upcoming Thor 2 as well as the TV mini-series Henry IV Part I and Henry IV Part II and the TV movie Henry V. The Shakespeare movies will be featured as part of the 2012 Cultural Olympiad to bring attention to British theatre and culture amidst all the athletics come August. This Cultural Olympiad series will include a production of Richard II as well.

Shakespeare actors in this year's Cultural Olympiad for London 2012. From left, Ben Whishaw as Richard II, David Suchet as the Duke of York in Richard II, Rory Kinnear as Henry Bolingbroke in Henry IV Part II and Tom Hiddleston as Henry IV in Part I and Part II).

My first exposure to Hiddleston was in 2011's Thor, directed by Kenneth Branagh. I remember watching it in theatres when it just came out and thinking fuck 3D and fuck Thor, Tom Hiddleston's presence could fill an entire theatre without the need for money grabber technology and unreal abdominal muscles (I'm looking at you, Chris Hemsworth).

Anyway, I jumped the Loki bandwagon faster than a child on a new trampoline. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I mean, this was a new actor in all respects, and I didn't think he'd come with any kind of emotional baggage. I was just going to be my typical geek girl geeking out over typical geek things like superheroes and wizards. I'd done it before with Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter and Watchmen and X-Men. I was used to this kind of stuff. I have to say though, I wasn't ready to face the ridiculousness that is this guy's fanbase. Before we go into that though, let's go into a little fangirling of our own to understand what it is that some of these people (myself included) see in him.


I'm going to call this REASONS WHY YOU SHOULDN'T LAUGH AT ME FOR CRUSHING ON LOKI (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. WIPE THAT SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE AS YOU READ THIS. WIPE IT OFF NOW)

1. He genuinely succeeded in making the villain of a comic book franchise one of the most lovable characters since Lassie. I mean, both times I've seen The Avengers, there was sympathetic cooing and aww-ing in the crowd whenever Loki got his ass kicked. Clearly, Tom Hiddleston is causing all of us to re-think our priorities and our morals.

   

 

2. He can legit convince ANYONE to watch Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls, which is pretty much an impossible task. Not to mention slightly evil.

3. He's friends with Hayley Atwell, who played played Peggy Carter in Captain America: The First Avenger. I just need an excuse to put up a picture of her. She's just so incredibly cute and attractive.

4. He abuses Twitter the way celebrities should but that few are smart enough to do. Like this one time when he accidentally spilled a spoiler as well as the word 'orgasm' in a single tweet....then proceeded to delete it when he realized he had fucked up. But oh my god, I loved him so much for it.

And he definitely does not know what the shit he's talking about sometimes either. #noshame

5. He is loved by so many cool dudes, who just so happen to all be superheroes.


Such as the Hulk

Iron Man (Hawkeye got robbed of a hug here. ROBBED)

Thor (what the fuck kind of architecture is behind them though. Holy shit, it's beautiful)

Captain America

6. He can communicate with unborn children (pictured with Elsa Pataky, Chris Hemsworth's wife at The Avengers London premiere).

7. He can open pen caps with his mouth.

8. He is super charming in interviews. 

9. And can rap Will Smith's "Miami" better than any white guy I know.

10. He can also impregnate you with his Shakespeare performances. Want to test it out now?

Tom Hiddleston's fans are a whole different story though. They give Twilight fans a run for their money. Loki may have an army, and the Avengers may have a hulk, but Hiddleston has women who will fucking kill for him.

It's really quite admirable, though a little scary.

Such as making pillows with his face on it. I mean, I love him and all, but sleeping with one of these things would scare the living daylights out of me.

There was that one time he was photographed with a girlfriend/lady friend/date/wife/partner whatever you want to call it. Tumblr blew up like nothing before, with girls crying and shit, it was so messy. I think this happened the eve of September 10th, 2011. Anyway, some of the stuff that came up on the Internet the morning after was giggle worthy:

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So, Tom Hiddleston is married/in a serious relationship.

The first few seconds it felt like a punch in the stomach.

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It just so happened this Hiddles bullcrap happened today of all days. 9/11.

I blame the terrorists.

They have to destroy America from the inside.

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me: i am alive

hiddles: lol no ur not

me: y

hiddles: becuz me

me: oh

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Like fucking shit, I don't even know what that last girl is trying to say in her tormented inner dialogue there. 

Here's another example of crazy. A girl gets a tattoo of Tom's initials on her wrist, and tweets it to him. His reaction is golden.

He later tweeted her back the following response:

I like his response. It's classy and encouraging. I know that if I were him I'd probably be all BITCH WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR WRIST?!!! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO YOURSELF???? REMOVE IT, REMOVE IT!!! FOR YOUR FUTURE'S SAKE, REEMMOOOVVEE IIIITTT!!!! I KNOW YOU LOVE ME BUT LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS FOR A SEC, HERE. LET'S THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

But I mean, you gotta admire the girl for the dedication, I guess. It takes real guts to scar your skin with the name of a guy who hasn't even made a movie sequel yet (Thor 2 is currently in production, slated for a November 8th 2013 release). I mean, I'd at least wait for the Thor sequel, or The Avengers sequel. Or better yet, wait until he gets knighted, you know?


I mean, I don't consider myself one of those women. I like him, a lot. But it's not like I blog about him. Well, ok, I guess I'm kind of doing that now but this is ONE TIME I SWEAR. I straddle the line between civil fan and downright crazy fan. I like to think that I love him enough to deal with the fanbase that he comes with, but that I don't love him quite enough to join forces with them, if you know what I mean.

Gah, he was a such a fucking scene-stealer in The Avengers though. I've only seen it twice, but every time he was on screen, I'd be all

Harry Styles of One Direction knows what I'm going through.