In about a week's time, I will be in Texas.
Yes, the second biggest state in the US, where the cattle are near equal in numbers to the people, and where you can purchase those car battery sized fountain drinks.
Yum yum.
I feel like I should be looking forward to this. I mean, I've always wanted to explore more of the United States. I've only ever really been to Washington, Oregon, California and New York - which is barely real America (and I mean real in the best way). This is my opportunity to soak in new culture, to experience and meet new people, to enjoy the sun and heat and everything that a summer climate should be.
I had the fortune of hanging out with an American friend of mine the other day though, and you know how that goes down.
Americans tend to be more anti-American than any other people in the world.
When she first found out I was going to Texas, she was like, "Ew....why?"
I had the misfortune of reading her expression in the worst way possible and I responded with another question: "Will I die there?"
Her unfortunate answer was "Yes."
And because we are disturbed people, we went on to reflect on the ways in which I will die when I go down to Texas. The list is as follows:
STUFF WES IS IN DANGER OF DYING FROM WHEN SHE GOES TO TEXAS:
1. Conservatives.
2. West Nile Virus.
3. Red necks.
4. Republicans.
5. Heart disease.
6. Diabetes.
7. Homophobes.
9. Heat exhaustion and/or thirst.
10. Guns.
I hear this and I go:
I feel like the only thing missing from this list is zombies and the Black Plague. I knew there was a silver lining in there somewhere!
Oh well, you can't really live until you put yourself at risk once in awhile, right?
.....right?
Which is why I'm packing like this.
Along with some other things in case of supernatural occurrences:
And wearing this:
As well as Nutella, because it is the food of champions and hardcore survivors:
I think I'm good now.
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