Wesley Wales: 50 Shades of Bret Easton Ellis

I have a beef

with Bret Easton Ellis.

This guy is a novelist and a screenwriter who just so happens to be queer/bisexual. I want to like him, I sincerely do. There aren't a lot of out bisexual icons or influential bisexual people out there. There are even fewer in the literature circle.

Imagine the kind of awe-inspiring, revolutionary writing that could happen. Imagine the possibilities for the developing of queer characters in books, on TV, in movies. IMAGINE BISEXUAL MEN AND WOMEN ACTUALLY BEING PORTRAYED PROPERLY FOR ONCE.

Which is why I want to root for Bret Easton Ellis. So badly.

But it is very hard to root for this man when he acts like a total dick on Twitter.

OK, maybe I'm being a little harsh with the "total dick" accusation. Let's just say that on The Twitter, Bret Easton Ellis comes across as a bit of an ignorant, clueless ass.

**When reading this post, please remember to read the Twitter tweets from bottom-top. Tweets are published newest tweet up. I know I'm asking you to read upside down and for that, I am truly sorry. Please bear with me. I didn't invent The Twitter**

I'll just say first of all that his use of the word "retarded" in this context is completely uncalled for and unprofessional. He is a published author and a grown man who has what I imagine to be a very wide range of vocabulary, certainly broader than mine. Times like these I wish Twitter had a political correctness check. God knows we need those nowadays just as much as spell checks and grammar checks. Because sometimes, the smartest people can act the stupidest.

Let me provide a little context before I dive straight into everything that is wrong with Bret Easton Ellis' Twitter. First off, he is tweeting about the casting of the film adaptation of the best-selling, most popular piece of shit series ever, 50 Shades of Grey.

50 Shades of Grey is about a 21-year old girl named Anastasia Steele who meets this dashing, millionaire entrepreneur douche named Christian Grey, who seduces her with his good looks, his obsessive compulsive tendencies, as well as his dick, which apparently is as orgasm-inducing as the Elder Wand was to Voldemort.........for Harry Potter fans out there who want some kind of reference point in understanding why the hell this is one of the best selling series of all time.

I'm a Harry Potter fan and I'm constantly trying to understand why shit like Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey pass at all actually. No distinguishable heroes or heroines, no realism in terms of its characters and motives, no self-awareness, no noble attempts at inserting moral themes and thought-provoking social commentary.

Some books are meant to be shit, I get it. Guilty pleasures, right? But must these guilty pleasures be downright insulting to humanity in general? Must they be written so poorly that the writing itself detracts from the writing itself?

Books live forever, guys. Remember that. One day, our world will look back on us and define us by the literature we bought. Remember that.

And I don't exactly want to be defined as the generation that celebrated male domination over women in romantic relationships. I also do not want to be defined as the generation that got off on sexy words like "Oh jeez" and "Symptom of schizophrenia" and "Cool vanilla spell."

The fact that Bret Easton Ellis, who is a pretty well renowned and respected author, seems to care THIS MUCH about 50 Shades of Grey and its movie adaptation, is quite alarming enough.

The fact that Bret Easton Ellis is tweeting about how gay male actors cannot play straight male roles is just downright homophobic.

The fact that Bret Easton Ellis is queer makes this even worse. Now, I'm not saying that homophobia coming from heterosexual people makes it better. But when a member of the community is acting like he's some kind of self-righteous, judgmental, arrogant, ignorant asshole, then the message being sent stings that much more.

Matt Bomer is this actor right here.

He is a theatre, film and television actor and singer, widely known for his starring role in White Collar. He also happens to be gay. Does his sexuality affect his acting skills? No.

He plays a con man on White Collar. Matt Bomer is not a con man in real life. Does the fact that he isn't a con man affect his ability to play a con man? No.

Christian Grey is a woman abuser and a manipulative psycho. Matt Bomer does not abuse women and he is not a manipulative psycho. Will this detract him from accurately and effectively portraying Christian Grey? No.

All in all, there are many actors and actresses out there who are heterosexual. There are many actors and actresses out there who are not heterosexual. Does their sexuality, whatever it may be, have anything to do with whether or not they are good at their job? No.

Being a good actor is what makes a good actor. Who you're attracted to has nothing to do with acting. It doesn't even live in the same realm as acting. If we are to treat acting here as an art and a job (which it obviously is), who you do on your spare time is completely separate from what you do for a living.

Long story short, people are not defined by who they fuck. Therefore, their jobs and their art should not be defined by who they fuck. Especially if you're an actor, seeing as your work is to play someone else, someone who is not you, someone who is nothing like you. When your specialty and your expertise lies in BECOMING OTHER PEOPLE, why should your personal life have any fucking thing to do with it?

Let me list the queer people in film history who have played straight people and have (SHOCKER) gotten away with it:

ROCK HUDSON

JUDY GARLAND

MARLON BRANDO

MARLENE DIETRICH

DIRK BOGARDE

BARBARA STANWYCK

MONTGOMERY CLIFT

ESTELLE WINWOOD

CARY GRANT

JOAN CRAWFORD

It's been done before, Bret Easton Ellis. IT CAN BE DONE AGAIN. ACTUALLY, IT STILL IS BEING DONE.

Here I list the names of actors who started their careers while in the closet, played straight people and fooled EVERYBODY.

MATT BOMER

CYNTHIA NIXON

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

PORTIA DE ROSSI

GEORGE TAKEI

AMBER HEARD

IAN MCKELLAN

JODIE FOSTER

ALAN CUMMING

ANNA PAQUIN

DAVID HYDE PIERCE

Bret Easton Ellis then goes on to say that Universal would never hire an openly gay actor to star in 50 Shades of Grey, and calls people ignorant for thinking this.

Is it just me, or is Bret Easton Ellis being a grumpy grumps? Can't we look on the brighter side of things? Can't we give Universal the benefit of the doubt that they, unlike you, would not consider sexuality when hiring an actor? Can you imagine, just imagine, a film production company that is not as homophobic as you are?

Can you please, PLEASE, for my sanity and for my health, NOT call 50 Shades of Grey the biggest novel of all time??!!!!

PLEASE, SIR. THIS ONE STILL TAKES THE CAKE.

As does this one:

As does all three of these books:

As does only the most popular novel of all time:

As does the Chinese language dictionary:

AND OBVIOUSLY:

So Bret Easton Ellis, the next time you're tempted to call 50 Shades of Grey the best-selling book of all time, just don't. And remember to

It may be the best-selling book of all time in the UK.....but then again, this is the UK. They thought Lisa Simpson giving a blowjob would work as a logo for the 2012 Olympics. I wouldn't take their book purchases seriously.

Bret Easton Ellis goes on to defend his critics who are calling him out on his "self-loathing".....because he is a queer person who is being homophobic in his twittering. Fair enough. But, Bret Easton Ellis, there is a difference between being aware of homophobia in society and being homophobic oneself. Self-loathing is NOT AN UNDERRATED QUALITY. Self-loathing leads to things like body mutilation, depression, anxiety, confusion, suicide. Hating yourself and hating others like you is not going to do anything good for anybody.

I think Bret Easton Ellis, in a sad attempt to talk about homophobia in Hollywood, had to resort to being homophobic himself to show us......TO REALLY SHOW US WHAT THE WORLD IS ALL ABOUT. Now there is some delicious icing of irony that I just want to slather on a fucking birthday cake.

Dear Bret Easton Ellis, we already know how shitty society is towards people like us. We don't need you to perpetuate that. And we certainly don't need you to remind us of that AS WE ALREADY LIVE IT EVERY FUCKING DAY BY, YOU KNOW, BEING WHO WE ARE.

But no, he doesn't stop there. Bret Easton Ellis is just on a roll. It's like he found a shovel and some spongy land and just started digging all the way through the centre of the Earth and out the other side onto Chinese soil.

He goes on to talk about Neil Patrick Harris and how him being gay in real life and him playing a straight person on a TV show is somehow the TV show's way of mocking his homosexuality (in real life).

I see you trying to be a smart ass, conspiracy theory weaving hipster, Bret Easton Ellis.

OK FIRST OF ALL, Neil Patrick Harris was not out when he was cast in How I Met Your Mother. We can safely assume then, that there was no ulterior motive made on part of the casting crew and producers to make fun of a gay man by casting him in a non-gay role.

SECOND OF ALL, Jason Segal could never play Barney Stinson. NO ONE BUT NEIL PATRICK COULD PLAY BARNEY STINSON.

THIRD OF ALL, he's claiming that it's totally fine when Neil Patrick Harris is hosting the Tonys, but it's not totally fine when Neil Patrick Harris is playing Barney Stinson. Are you saying that gay people are only allowed to do stereotypical gay things, Bret Easton Ellis? Are you saying that it is only when they are doing these stereotypical gay things that they are respecting their gayness instead of poking fun at it? Are you saying that certain roles have sexual orientations and Neil Patrick Harris must choose the role that suits the way YOU see him? Are you also trying to compare a hosting job to an acting job??!! I rest my case. His argument is flawed already.

FOURTH OF ALL, I think you're the one creating your own paranoia, Bret Easton Ellis. The reason you can't get into the show is because you can't seem to remember that television (even reality shows) IS FICTION. Gay actor playing straight character? WHO CARES, IT'S FICTION. THE WHOLE POINT OF FICTION IS GETTING YOURSELF ABSORBED IN THE STORY, THE CHARACTERS, AND NOT THE SEXUAL ORIENTATION OF ONE OF THE LEAD ACTORS. Good Lord, you would think this is all Bret Easton Ellis ever thinks about.

Remember the dig to China? Well, Bret Easton Ellis has now gone so far he's broken through our atmospheres and can confidently count all the craters on the moon.

He goes on to critique shows like The Big Bang Theory and Modern Family for not being progressive and for being too gay.

This coming from a guy who just moments before said Neil Patrick Harris was too gay to play Barney Stinson and Matt Bomer was too gay to play Christian Grey.

FIRST OF ALL, there are no gay characters in The Big Bang Theory. The closest thing we could get to a queer character on The Big Bang Theory is Sheldon, who is not even gay but very likely asexual. I don't know where Bret Easton Ellis is getting all the gay out of this show.

SECOND OF ALL, for a comedy, I'd say that Modern Family is pretty progressive. The gay characters are not a) Murderers, b) Perverts, c) Dead, d) Defined by their sexuality. It may not be a perfect show, but it's portraying gay characters on even level with the way it portrays its straight characters. You could say that the two gay leads are ridiculed in the show. But everyone on the show is being ridiculed. It's a comedy. The genre sticks.

THIRD OF ALL, there is no difference between a homophobe and a misanthrope. A homophobe expresses hatred or bigotry towards queer people. A misanthrope hates all people. Saying you're a misanthrope is not helping your case, Bret Easton Ellis. It simply does the opposite. Someone who is a misanthrope is a homophobe.

FOURTH OF ALL, Bret Easton Ellis says that he hates the way homosexuality is presented in our entertainment culture. I agree with Bret Easton Ellis. Yes, I hate it too. I also hate the way you model homosexual representation in our entertainment culture through your Twitter. You've identified the problem that we were all already very well aware of, but you're also part of the problem.

I like that Bret Easton Ellis then changes his mind and says that it is "imperative" that Christian Grey be played by a gay actor. As if to either make his readers happy or throw their criticism in their faces in a "fuck all" type attitude.

WRONG, Bret Easton Ellis, WRONG. Christian Grey should not be played by a straight actor. Christian Grey should not be played by a gay actor. Christian Grey should be played by whatever actor impresses the casting directors. He should be played by whatever actor has the most chemistry (or lack thereof, depending on your interpretation) with the actress who will be playing Anastasia Steele. Straight or gay, it doesn't matter. We're not auditioning the actor's sexuality. We're auditioning his acting.

I can't believe I just shat 2.5 days worth of feelings towards this writer in this one post.

Here's what I have to say to this whole fiasco:

1. Matt Bomer should not play Christian Grey. Not because he's gay, but because he's too good for this shitty series.
2. Christian Grey, for strictly marketing purposes, should probably be played by a straight actor. Not because the straight actor would provide a more convincing performance, but because the female readers and the fans are more likely to become infatuated with an actor if they see themselves as having the slightest chance of hooking up with him in real life. It's kind of like how I feel towards Amber Heard. She was hot when I thought she was straight, but she's even hotter now that I know she isn't. Because there's that one voice in my head that says, "She wouldn't be completely repulsed by me. I HAVE A CHANCE." It's a ridiculous sentiment, the outcome being impossible, yet let's face it, many of us can't help but think these thoughts. The production companies involved will definitely be thinking about promotion and marketing. They will likely choose an actor who is ideal in that his personal life can be conveniently displayed on magazine spreads and he can be photoshopped just enough to look good on the poster. They're basically searching for the next Robert Pattinson or Gerard Butler. To be honest, I think that'll be the extent to what they will be looking for in their leading man.
3. It's possible that Bret Easton Ellis tweets like this because he is an attention-seeker, and not because he truly believes in this. Regardless, I still think it's equally douchey. He's still putting this kind of negativity and hatred out there. He's still choosing to categorize, characterize and limit people.
4. Bis deserve their role models - people who will properly represent them, write about them and for them, and speak with compassion and understanding instead of bigotry and distaste. Self-loathing is definitely not underrated and it definitely has no place in the queer community - or in any community for that matter. We need to be in a constant state of motion in which we seek to make a better life for our friends and for the new generation that will emerge. So ~~some~~ a lot of pride would be good.
5. Frank Ocean is our real bisexual boyfriend, by the way. Bret Easton Ellis could learn a thing or two from him.