The British are coming. The British are coming.

So.


One Direction is in Canada.

And by Canada, I mean Toronto. So there in no danger whatsoever of them being mauled by little ole me way over here on the other side of the country in little ole Vancouver #welldamn


In case you don't already know, Canada is a humongous country. 2nd biggest country in the world, to be exact.

In terms of physical geography.


In terms of population, I think we're dead last.


So anyway, this is to say that I'm fucking pissed that Toronto gets everything.


Seriously, when people come to Canada, they come to Toronto because as sad as it sounds, a lot of them think that Toronto is technically Canada's centre and everything Canadian is easy to get to from Toronto.


I'm not joking. I once had this American girl ask me if I could just hop over to Toronto to watch Wicked, since it wasn't coming to Vancouver. 


HOP OVER.


LIKE A RABBIT.


CANADA IS THE 2ND LARGEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, YOU CAN'T HOP OVER ANYWHERE UNLESS IT'S TO YOUR NEAREST FRIDGE TO TAKE OUT A BEER AND DRINK YOUR FEELINGS DOWN BECAUSE YOUR HOCKEY TEAM ISN'T IN THE STANLEY CUP FINALS. 


#NOHARDFEELINGSCANUCKS


And to tell the truth, Toronto isn't even all that great. Even people from Toronto admit that Toronto isn't that great.


If you really want a good time in eastern Canada, I say move up a province and visit Montréal instead.


Or just come to Vancouver. GUYS GUYS JUST COME TO VANCOUVER AND HANG OUT WITH ME PLEASE.


I think the reason I am so bitter is because Lauren Toyota of MuchMusic interviewed the boys today and she did such a fucking awful job that the whole time I was seriously all 

I'm going to give Lauren Toyota the benefit of the doubt and say that MuchMusic is partially at fault as well because they either a) Allowed her to ask these questions, b) Encouraged her to ask these questions or c) Did not give a flying fuck.


Though overall, I must admit I would probably put most of the blame on MuchMusic for hiring her in the first place. As well as all the other shitty VJs who now work for them. What was once a reputable Canadian music channel is now a poor man's MTV that plays more CW television shows than actual music, rides the dick of teenage pop culture and hires VJs off the street who have absolutely no charisma in front of the camera and cannot write their own programming to save their lives. 


For getting to interview One Direction, Lauren Toyota is, technically, the luckiest girl in the country. Hell, if I got the chance to interview One Direction, I would take the gig seriously. Just because a) I kind of love these guys, b) They're British/Irish, c) I wouldn't want to bore them to death, d) I wouldn't want to embarrass them, e) I want them to come back to Canada and not just Toronto and most important of all f) I want to do my job properly.


Emphasis on DOING YOUR JOB PROPERLY, which Lauren Toyota didn't really end up accomplishing, sadly enough.


Here are some of the topics that came up during this humiliating interview:


1. Butt insurance
2. Puberty
3. Nudity
4. Leopard print underwear
5. One Direction fanfiction
6. Harry and Louis' sexual relationship
7. Girls who like to see boys make out


The last couple ones were especially painful. Lauren was so insistent upon these topics that even poor, confused Liam at the other side of the table was all "I - I - I don't even know how we got to this subject...."

                          

                          

Just, fail, Lauren Toyota. Fail. I guess the one good thing that came out of that awkward question was Louis and Harry's expressions at the end where they're looking at her apathetically.


Funnily enough, this interview kind of made me less ashamed of being a fan of theirs. I mean, for a boy band, they've got some class. They dodged every stupid question she had by not giving her the satisfaction of an enthusiastic answer, Louis gave her some attitude, and Liam did literally face-palm on the table a couple times on top of directly questioning the nature of the interview. 


I'm going to offer you a deal, MuchMusic. Since Lauren Toyota clearly fucked this over and it looks as if One Direction can no longer take Canada seriously because of it, I propose you let me interview them the next time they come over here.


I promise to do my research properly, ask noteworthy questions and be a professional. 


Most of all, I promise to lure them back to Canada by charming the pants off them. 


Not literally. You'd have to pay me a lot more than a reporter's wage if you wanted me to do that literally.


In the meantime, I can't wait to watch their new UK tour DVD and getting totally wasted as I do so. 

THE END.

Dear Mr. Earl Grey

Nothing like a good cup of tea to help you process your infinite thoughts on life, the universe and everything.

I'm a loser, I know. For now, for now.

FUCK YES I LOVE GETTING FUCKING MESSAGES.


Especially from You-Know-Who.


Not Voldemort.

One of the six impossible things I believe in is her. It's pathetic, isn't it? DAMN YOU, LEWIS CARROLL, DAMN YOU. I tell myself all the time that my upbringing has squashed all of the optimism out of my body. But that just isn't true. 


I am still optimistic, and sometimes, it's this very thing about me that makes me miserable.


BUT MAN, FUCK, THE MESSAGE WAS SO FUCKING CUTE I JUST CAN'T OMG.

Simon Cowell is the pope of pop

This is a post about British/Irish boy bands.


Now, I think I have previously expressed my feelings about UK boy bands. And if you missed it, here's the truth: I am prone to liking UK boy bands, no matter how terrible I recognize and admit they are. I don't know what it is. It could be due to my romanticized perception of British pop culture, it could be due to the fact that I grew up with British music, it could be their rosy cheeks and innocent demeanour. Whatever it is, UK boy bands have always been well manufactured/produced/maintained. They indulge in the emotional outbursts of young women, they have their own toy dolls, they spawn circus shows, they become sexual icons and cultural identifiers. Some are amazing, some suck so much ass you would think it's the apocalypse. That's what so great about the Brits. They make some of the best music and some of the worst music in the world. And they sell a mind-blowing number of records on both ends of the stick. So despite what you feel about them, you've got to admit that they know exactly what they're doing. 


THE LEGENDARY BOYS

The Beatles

The original boy band whose fanbase would have made even Franz Liszt bolt his door. The Beatles established pop music in mainstream culture as we know it today, and you can either love them or resent them for it. The way I see it, they wrote timeless, universal music. They re-invented the melody, and they influenced many music groups and artists in the business today - boy band or otherwise.

U2

Stadium music is defined by U2. Never a band of subtlety, this Irish group are the musical equivalent of an atomic bomb. Big music, big sound. They're like the IMAX equivalent of rock music.

The Smiths

Morrissey was my idol for a long time, back when I was a teenager and identified as asexual and there was nobody out there like me but Morrissey. Their music is 80s-British-boys-in-school-uniforms good. Youth revolt - any way you want it, you can rock out to it with the Smiths.

TODAY'S BOYS' BOYS

Noah and the Whale

They sing mostly about girls and life and love. But then again, isn't that really why we write music in the first place? I love this band for the simple fact that their down-to-earth, rustic tones remind me of nature and everything that I love about it. They were also named after The Squid and The Whale, one of the best indie movies ever made, in my honest opinion. For the longest time, I was convinced I would marry Tom Hobden and his violin.

The Arctic Monkeys

These post-punk motherfuckers. They're the epitomy of the British rock revival, bringing back the revolution from the 1960s into today's starved generation. 

Coldplay

Love them or hat them, you gotta admit, they know how to draw a crowd. Coldplay got me through my confused as hell college years, and for that, I will always be thankful for them. Chris Martin's voice was like a memory from a distance, calling me back to whatever it was that would fix me (no pun intended). Their music is familiar, as if I've heard it before in a past life. It makes them magical, in a way.

THE NOSTALGIC BOYS

Blue

Remember when British pop tried to be cool? Yeah, me neither.

Westlife

Anyone remember these fuckers? One of the best-selling bands to come out of the UK. Great vocals, though as safe as child-proof pill bottle caps. They sang songs that could have been about girls or God. To this day, I still have not been able to figure it out.

Take That

The original, one and only, British boy band. Nothing will ever top them in cheesiness, boyish good looks and metrosexual style that defines European culture as Americans understand it.

THE BOY REVIVAL

McFly

They were the shit circa early 2000s. I admit to still having a soft spot for them. Especially for Dougie Poynter. Holy shit, that kid was (and still is) cute.

The Wanted

To be honest, I really don't like these guys. As people, they've said some dumbass shit that you would expect from stereotypical men, which doesn't make them all that alluring. They're an interesting bunch though, conveying this faux man-up style and posture while at the same time singing juvenile, simple pop songs that are hella catchy.

One Direction

Leading the boy band revolution of the 2nd decade of the 2000s, these five kids are causing parents the world over to lock up their daughters (and in some cases, their sons). For the young 1990s/2000s generation, they are made of dreams. For the older 1970s/1980s generation, they are an echo of nostalgia, taking us back to the days where masculinity in music was catered towards women and the female gaze. That's a whole other social study on its own.

So I guess the moral of the story is go ahead, listen to whatever you feel like listening. Music isn't necessarily meant to be put into objective categories of "good" and "bad," unless you go into the technicalities of it. Even then though, music is a subjective art form that is up to interpretation. Music is whatever you make of it. So listen to The Wanted all you want. It's very rare in this world to enjoy the little things in life. Very few of us do, so every opportunity you get to do so, take it and cherish it, no matter how foolish you feel about it.

We found love.....not really

This one is called Songs To Help You Get Off Your Ass And Tell Someone How You Really Feel, GODDAMMIT.

Sometimes, reflecting alone on how nature reflects your bottled up emotions just doesn't cut it.

Can't describe what you're going through? Let these musicians sing it for you.

William Beckett of The Academy Is...

"About A Girl" by The Academy Is...
"What Makes You Beautiful" by One Direction
"Neighbourhood #1 (Tunnels)" by Arcade Fire
"Can't Help Falling In Love With You" by Elvis Presley
"Don't You" by Darren Criss
"You Better Watch Out" by The Zolas
"Hey Now Girl" by Phantom Planet
"The Hardest of Hearts" by Florence + The Machine
"Hot Venom" by Miniature Tigers
"Something For You" by Hannah Georgas
"I've Just Seen A Face" by The Beatles
"You and I" by Ingrid Michaelson
"Jolene" by Hey Ocean!
"I Will Possess Your Heart" by Death Cab For Cutie
"Hey There Delilah" by Plain White T's
"With Or Without You" by U2
"You Are The Moon" by The Hush Sound
"Lovesong" by The Cure
"Stealing the Moonlight" by Gold Motel
"Work" by Jimmy Eat World
"Your Heart" by Matt Mays
"First Day Of My Life" by Bright Eyes
"I Was Made For You" by She & Him
"Waiting For My Chance To Come" by Noah and The Whale
"Talk To Me" by Carly Rae Jepsen
"To Be With You" by The Honey Trees

Jacob Wick of The Honey Trees

Truth Dare Double Dare Promise To Repeat

I've done my share of judging people and embarrassing them on this blog, so I figured it's about time I made myself vulnerable to judgment and embarrassment for the sake of everyone else's entertainment. Because sometimes, in order to make friends, you gotta crash and burn for their amusement. Yes.

No matter how evolved we are as a species, we all do stupid things at one point or another, right?

^This isn't me by the way. I'm slightly more attractive. And I know how to spell "extreme."


I was gonna turn this into a video blog post, just because this works better as a video, but I'm not that brave today, so it's just gonna be a list for now. I'll storyboard it sometime in the near future when I get enough friends to cast in the video so I don't have to be in it myself. But for now, here's the script:

Shit Closeted Queer Girls Say About Girls They Are Mildly In Love With

(a true confession sadly based on several true events)

1. I like that she likes Harry Potter. I also like her.

2. God, she smells good. How is it that girls smell so good?

3. Is she checking out my clothes or is she checking out me?

4. How awkward is this right now? I CAN'T SCALE IT.

5. Where is all the alcohol? I'M SO SOBER I COULD RECITE THE FIRST FIFTY DIGITS OF PI. AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW THE FIRST FIFTY DIGITS OF PI.

6. Where is my cell phone? I NEED TO PRETEND THAT I'M BUSY DOING IMPORTANT SHIT.

7. Where are all my friends? DO I HAVE ANY FRIENDS, HOLY SHIT I DON'T REMEMBER.
8. SHE'S SITTING BESIDE ME. I'll never sit beside another person the same way again.

9. Should I play hard to get? How hard do I play to get? #decisions.

10. I'm gonna lean coolly against this tree. It worked for James Dean, didn't it? (Editor's Note: I don't know where the hell Wes came up with the idea that James Dean leaned on a tree at some point in his film career).
11. Why is she making out with whatshername? Why why why??!!

12. She should be making out with me.

13. Only if she wants to. 

14. All I want to do is eat mint chocolate ice cream and drink cheap beer and listen to Linkin Park circa 1999......this must be what jealousy feels like. 

15. I need to walk away.

16. I wrote my FB status with her in mind. OH MY GOD THIS IS GETTING STUPID.

17. OMG SHE LIKED MY FACEBOOK STATUS ZOOOMMMGGG THANK YOU MARK ZUCKERBERG.

18. Does liking my Facebook status constitute liking me?

19. Judy Blume, tell me what is going on.

20. Does she know?

21. I can't look at her anymore.

22. I need to look at her.

23. Every Carly Rae Jepsen song reminds me of her. And I don't even like Carly Rae Jepsen.

24. I'VE GOT MAIL.
25. SHE WROTE ME. THIS IS THE FIRST LETTER OF THE REST OF MY LIFE.

26. I would do the long-distance thing, to fuck with proximity. The Little Prince worked it out with the moon, didn't he? (Editor's note: This isn't correct. Wes has an atrocious memory of the plotline of The Little Prince. Nowhere in there does le petit prince have an affair with the fucking moon).

27. No, this isn't realistic. 

28. She has feelings, I have feelings. Why can't we just have feelings TOGETHER??!!

29. I IS KIND. I IS SMART. I IS IMPORTANT.

30. I hope that one day she realizes I was meant for her.


I'd like to say that I'm older now and I've learned from my youth and stuff like this no longer happens to me anymore.


But that's a flat out lie. We never really grow out of our ignorance, I don't think. There's always an unreasonable voice inside of us, prompting us to do things like set our hair on fire, jump off a cliff into shallow waters, or ride a skateboard on another skateboard on a treadmill. We fall for people we probably shouldn't be falling for. We do things for others that are completely out of character, that are completely absurd.


And maybe Albert Camus was right. We live in a world of absurdity. We breathe. We do stupid things. We die. Everything is temporary. You're temporary, this life is temporary, these feelings are temporary, all those people you want to hold hands with, they're all temporary. We're all Sisyphus, rolling that boulder of hope up a mountain, only to watch that boulder of hope come crashing down. Over and over again, it happens. Yet over and over again, we do it. We keep pushing that boulder up. Why? Not because we believe in love and we believe in happy endings and shitty Nicholas Sparks crap, but because we can't help ourselves. We're slaves to our desires for acceptance. We want to belong, we want to be needed, we want to smile at someone and have them smile back. 


When it comes to stuff like that, we throw logic out the window, we become nothing but what we feel. For me, this is one of the worst traps I fall into. I hate it when it happens because I am very much aware of it, yet I let it happen anyway. It's this uncontrollable thing, where your very being ignores your mind and acts like all the years of education, all the years of learning civility, all the years of gaining common sense and developing critical thinking, none of it matters anymore. What makes it so scary though is the fact that losing yourself turns out to be one of the best feelings in the world. What does that tell me about myself? I don't know and I'm not sure I want to know.


Anyway, I'm absurd you're absurd we're all absurd. Thanks for reading about my embarrassing antics. Have a lovely Victoria Day weekend.

Post-script for previous post

I just realized that my previous post might have sounded a little impersonal and maybe a little unnecessarily mean towards Bristol Palin. 


I might have sounded like a pretentious Canadian with my head up my ass because look I've got health care and good beer and all that shit.

But my previous post was not meant to put anyone down or trivialize American politics and American culture. And Bristol Palin, I understand that you are young and grew up in circumstances that shaped your beliefs. I may not agree with you, but I admire you for voicing your opinions on the matter. I just hope you're open to seeing it from our perspective in the near future and think them valid.


I genuinely find these things fascinating and interesting and it is personal to me. I am definitely open to marriage, so Obama's statement does mean a lot to me. I don't have American citizenship, but I've noticed a strange trend in which I do fall in love with Americans.


For example, there's Megan Rapinoe (of course), Sarah Croce (aka sex on legs), Amber Heard and that-one-beautiful-girl-that-I-can't-exactly-name-because-if-she-ever-found-this-blog-I-would-be-humiliated-as-fuck-and-just-die-a-slow-and-painful-death-of-atrocious-and-unrestricted-embarrassment (you can kind of tell that I've kind of thought about her a lot. Kind of).


So yeah, Obama's stance is wonderfully liberating to me, because in the off-chance that I don't marry a man or a Canadian girl and instead marry one of the above, I would like it if we had the option of marrying either in Canada or in the States.


I mean, it's just nice to know that there will be a choice. And freedom is all about having choices, yes?


So thank you, America, and keep it up. You've got my full blessing and support and I hope for nothing but the best for you. You are all awesome and lovable and you all deserve to get married without having to trudge all the way up to Canada to do it.

And as a Canadian, I think your women are gorgeous and therefore your politics are DEFINITELY relevant to my interests ;)


Sincerely,


Me

Palins say the darndest things

In response to Obama's declaration of his full support of same-sex marriage in the United States, the Palin spawn responded thus:

Bristol Palin, do us all a favour and sit the fuck down.


Why? Because there are several things wrong with your statement.


Firstly, she's bringing his daughters into the political mix, and making assumptions concerning their lives. YOU DON'T KNOW THEM SO SHUT UP AND LEAVE THE KIDS ALONE. 


Secondly, she's claiming that the political views of an American president can be swayed by one of the worst shows on television. THINK ABOUT THAT FOR A SEC, BRISTOL. THINK ABOUT YOUR LIFE, YOUR CHOICES.


Thirdly, she's talking as if Glee invented gayness. NEWSFLASH BRISTOL, it didn't. People and animals and breathing species for that matter were gay loooooonnng before Glee came around, trust me. And if you don't believe that, then you don't know humanity's history, and I suggest you start reading up on it. Or better yet, go out and talk to people and LEARN SOMETHING.


Fourthly, she's claiming that Obama had some sort of change of heart. Even the dumbest dung beetle knows that Obama has always supported equality for all people of all sexual orientations (this can be traced back over a decade before he actually became president). 


He just never fessed up about it because:


a) He never had the full support of his cabinet members on this issue.
b) He would lose a lot of the vote.
c) It was and still is a very divided issue in the United States. Obama sat on the fence by saying yes to civil unions and no to same-sex marriage because this was the safest route to go in terms of making everyone somewhat happy.


But Obama doesn't have room to sit on the fence and expect to win the next election with a boom. There are too many swing states that could make the difference in who gets elected president come November, and Obama had to make sure to grab every political strategy to win as many states as he can. When you think about it, his public declaration of his pro-marriage stance (which I believe he has always had in him), comes at a time when he most needs it. So really, Bristol, this is political smarts working its way into this declaration of same-sex marriage support. 


Let's take a look at possible reasons as to why Obama chose this specific time to publicly back marriage equality: 


a) His VP, Joe Biden, recently expressed his support, as well as his educational secretary Arne Duncan.
b) Most Americans, according to polls, support marriage equality. 
c) These people in question, are the people Obama needs in order to win this year's election. 
d) From a financial perspective, Obama can get funding from gay equality organizations for his 2012 campaign. In other words, many LGBT people and allies from states such as New York and California have what we like to call MONEY. Obama can get a lot of dough from the gay community, and this can't be a bad thing.
e) Finally, North Carolina's ban on marriage equality which happened hours before was likely one of the tip-offs, as there was no way Obama couldn't say nothing about it and look foolish. The Democrats' 2012 convention will be there and it would have been risky for Obama to stay silent. 


So Bristol, as you can see, there are many other factors involved in Obama's decision to endorse same-sex marriage. There was the fact of timing, money, his cabinet, those swing states, the simple fact of the location of his party's convention.


It wasn't fucking Glee.


Risky political strategy on Obama's part? Yes. Smart political strategy on Obama's part? Hell, yes. To be the first president to express same-sex marriage endorsement while still in office is something for the future generation's history books. It may not be so special for us living in the Netherlands or Canada or Spain, but for the United States, it's a hell of a big deal.


We know for sure though that it just made the 2012 elections a lot more interesting. I could go from the emotional viewpoint and say that Obama is incredible and all Americans should just go vote for him now - but I can't exactly do that because it is very true that this is first and foremost a political strategy, and we need to be aware of that. There is a reason Obama expresses it now but refused to voice it before.


Obama said yes before, then said no, then said maybe, then said that his views were "evolving," before finally saying yes again. He's swung the marriage equality question almost as much as anyone else. 


Also, it's important to think of how this will eventually progress in the future. So ok, Obama says yes to marriage equality. If he is re-elected, what happens then? What happens to Maryland? To the North Carolina ban? To California's Prop 8? Say that yes, we do have support on the federal level, but how will that spread amongst all the states? Obama confirmed that it is still up to the individual states to decide whether they will allow it. I almost see Obama's declaration as a personal and emotional plea to get at the voters that will help him win this year. He personally supports marriage equality - this hits at the emotional heartstrings that will better his campaign - but this does not necessarily mean that there will be marriage equality across all states if and should he be re-elected into office.


Despite this, it is definitely historic and important for Americans who identify as LGBT. Even if you don't plan on ever getting married, it's still awesome to have your president say that you're worth it, that you have the right to have the choice. It's one step towards recognizing LGBT people as, well, people. This is monumental for the next generation.


I'm not even American but man, this is crazy stuff that we Canadians really do get invested in. From a Canadian perspective, it just seems ridiculous. I admit that Canada isn't perfect. There are many of us who are vocally homophobic and hate crimes do happen here as they do in any other country. Our transgender laws are still in the process of evolving. We've had political powers oppose marriage equality, including our current prime minister (he doesn't now. He didn't really have a choice as he got elected a year after same-sex marriage was legalized nationwide, and he constantly reiterates the fact that he will never re-visit the issue and repeal it. Ever). From our perspective, it's insane how confused  Americans are with this subject of human rights. When you think about it, human rights shouldn't even need to be debated upon. As those who are born human, we should be born with these rights and they should be inherently ours, not something that is decided upon us by white heterosexual Christian men in suits.


The American human rights campaign is moving as slowly as this

Our generation will totally shame our future kids, who will look back on our time and tell us we were all a bunch of dumb, hate-corrupted, dipshit assholes. When you think of it, this is no different than African-American rights, women's rights. These issues of the past that we all struggled with are just being repeated again. You would think that after all these years of being human on this Earth, we would understand what human rights really mean, but apparently, we do not. But as long as it's progressing, I guess I can't really complain. Just make it a little faster, America. Us Canadians are kind of sick of being held at a higher standard than you just because we let our people love one another. We don't want to be seen as better just because we have marriage equality. Why? Because human rights shouldn't be seen as something revolutionary, it should be seen as something that is naturally established from the moment you were born. It is already there, we just need to learn to confirm it and celebrate it and recognize it for what it is. So for those who say that having same-sex marriage or being homosexual is unnatural, you are sorely mistaken. It isn't human nature that is unnatural, it is your treatment of human nature that is unnatural.


And as for you, Bristol, your ex-fiancé and father of your child wants to name his second child after a gun. I think you've got other things to worry about besides what Obama lets his daughters watch on TV.

Freud was right

I think I am suffering from a case of gay camp nostalgia syndrome.


I was messaging my cousin from Dallas and she writes back trying to convince me to come visit her, by promising to find me "a nice cowboy to marry" as well as to wingman for her on her quest to marry her "professional baseball player crush."


Only I read "professional baseball player crush" as "professional butch lesbian crush."


I had to re-read her message a million times to see the proper words. 


What is wrong with me oh my god.


I guess that's just what happens when you spend a weekend with 200 people that you're convinced are your soulmates.


For serious, I would have turned polyamorous for ALL OF THEM. 


And I don't say that about anyone. 


Except for maybe Eva Green and Jeremy Renner, the only 2 people on the planet I have ever seriously considered going poly for. 


But seeing as them ever getting together is quite unlikely and me ever coming across them even more unlikely, and them wanting to sleep with me extremely highly unlikely (you see where I'm going here, 3 levels of unlikelihood is basically synonymous with impossibility) - then really, when you think about it, polyamory is totally off my radar floating in the realm of never going to happen.


Except for all those camp folk. For them, I'd throw all my other preferences out the fucking bulletproof glass window.


I start school tomorrow. I really hope that I don't start reading my textbooks the way I read my cousin's Facebook message. 


This is how you fail class - by falling in love with too many people in too little time. My advice? DON'T DO IT.