A post about movies. Because what else am I going to talk about.

So the Oscars are done and it got me thinking: what is the point of this awards show? It's the culmination of a 12-month's worth of movies and an awards season that lasts about three months. Are we in it for the glam? Are we in it for the gossip magazine articles? Are we in it for the speculation? The hosts? The skits? In essence, the Oscars should be a time to celebrate filmmaking. Beneath all the money and the fancy clothes and the celebrities, this is a time to appreciate what is a fairly new art form, and one that is growing and developing at an incredibly fast rate. Movies have been around for barely a hundred years, and there are so many talented people around the world making them. Whether they be working as technical artists, production designers, makeup artists, directors, actors or writers, film is a medium that utilizes people of various talents, and the Oscars should be a time to appreciate all of these people that make film possible. Unfortunately, for many, it just becomes a time to talk about fashion, to make bad jokes and to disrespect those who work in film.

So I figured I'd vent a little bit here and talk about what the Oscar awards should be about, in an open letter about how to improve the biggest night in Hollywood. I'm going to call this one: 

How to make next year's Oscars better a.k.a. The kind of list we come up with every year yet the next Oscars is never better:

Possible future hosts (as in, people who would actually be funny without dropping Roman Polanski jokes):

Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph and Tina Fey (separately or together).

Stephen Colbert. 

Dana Eagle.

Jimmy Fallon. 












Margaret Cho.

Cory Kahaney.

Possible future play-out music THAT WON'T INTERRUPT TECHNICAL WINS AND GIVE THEM AS MUCH TIME AS ACTOR WINS. I mean, seriously, it's not like the actors' speeches are any more interesting:

"Sex With Ducks" by Garfunkel and Oates.

"It's Your Duty To Shake That Booty" by Lena Nystrom.

"Mmmbop" by Hanson.

"Jubilee Street" by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds.

Possible future show themes:

TRIBUTE TO GIALLO FILMS. The stylization! The gore! The fun!

WOMEN IN FILM. Bringing attention to the Bechdel Test, to Geena Davis' studies, to female protagonists in female centred films, as well as women as filmmakers, including those who have been nominated and won Oscars. They could dedicate a whole Oscar show and some more to women in film. The possibilities are endless, although this will probably never happen because misogyny. To anyone who says that if they do this there should be a "Men in Film" theme because REVERSE DISCRIMINATION, I say SCREW YOU THREE TIMES OVER "MEN IN FILM" IS THE THEME OF EVERY OSCAR AWARDS SEASON. Also, to those who say they can't name any female filmmakers, here are just three of many women who have directed and written Oscar-winning movies in the past decade. 

The HISTORY OF VFX. I can imagine this one being really cool. Visual effects on the Oscar stage! Green screen being utilized! References to Star Wars, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Alien, Close Encounters of the Third Kind! OH THE POSSIBILITIES. Also, it's about time we showed some respect and appreciation for those who do special effects and animation. Movies wouldn't be where they are today without these people.

NUDITY. I mean, they tried this year with the whole "boobies" song. Which was awkward and only really became funny when they showed the reactions of the women they were singing about. AMERICA THOUGH. WHY AREN'T YOU ALL TALKING ABOUT THE REAL NAKED MOVIES OUT THERE???!!! Sometimes I find that Hollywood seems to forget that men can be naked in movies too. If you're only concerned about boobs, then you really need to expand your repertoire on what can and what has been shown on-screen. There is so much good stuff, seriously. It'll be great to have an Oscar show that talks about the NC-17 rating, about the stigma Hollywood has towards sex, about the scandalous nature of pre-code movies, about the spectrum of sexuality and how it is presented on film, about Hollywood's resistance to male nudity, about the Hollywood's objectification of women, about films that tiptoe into porn territory.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS. a.k.a. THE BEST OSCAR THEMED SHOW EVER.

I am really convinced they should let me direct/write the next Academy Awards. It's just frustrating to watch a show year in and year out that celebrates my favourite movies of the year yet never seems to manage to do it properly. I may not be able to entertain the stupid people like Seth MacFarlane did but I'd be open to teaching them about film. Which is really what the Oscar season should be all about. Less boob jokes, more movies, please.

I will end this post with Quvenzhané Wallis. The future of film, right here.

There's a message in my alpha-bits, it says oooooo

Hmm, I figured I should probably do a post about the Oscars because if I did it any later it would be awkward and everyone will have forgotten about it and no one would care to read this. 

So yeah. Here is my re-cap of this year's Oscars.

STEWIE GRIFFIN.

THE MOVIES WOULD BE NOTHING WITHOUT VFX PEOPLE. GIVE THEM BACK THEIR JOBS, DARN IT.

CHARLIZE THERON IS SMOKING.

PETER GRIFFIN.

SO QUENTIN TARANTINO IS STILL WEIRD.

AND ANG LEE IS STILL THE COOLEST BLOKE EVER. I KNOW IT HAPPENED A MILLION YEARS AGO BUT CRASH SUCKED. BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN FOR THE WIN ALWAYS.

QUVENZHANÉ WALLIS HAS DONE MORE IN NINE YEARS THAN I WILL DO IN MY LIFETIME.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE FALLING.

I WOULD STILL TOTALLY MARRY JENNIFER LAWRENCE.

BRIAN/TED.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS WAS ALMOST MARGARET THATCHER OMMMGGG. I WOULD HAVE WATCHED THAT SO HARD.

SECOND-HAND EMBARRASSMENT FOR JENNIFER GARNER.

O CANADA OUR HOME AND NATIVE LAND.

TOO MANY WHITE PEOPLE.

THE END.

Oh and there was that Les Mis number. Which, I must admit, kind of sucked save for Samantha Barks and this BAMF.

Seriously. When he walked onto the stage, I was like gripping my armrests going DEAR GOD FORGIVE ME FOR ALL THE WONDERFUL THOUGHTS I AM THINKING RIGHT NOW.

MY THOUGHTS:

There's just nothing that turns me on more than a Broadway performer saving the asses of a bunch of noobies and showing them how it's done. His theatrical experience as well as Samantha's was really obvious on that stage.

So the moral of this story is, Aaron Tveit. Because Aaron Tveit.

See you all at next year's Oscars. Hopefully the jokes won't be as bad and the winners won't all be white.

Get excited - the French have taken over Hollywood.

It's that time of year! The one day in the year where we get an excuse to have Brad Pitt and George Clooney attend the same party, which just so happens to be secretly hosted by Bob and Harvey Weinstein. 

Now don't get me wrong, I love the Oscars. I just have not loved it since 2008, when those flawless films of 2007 got recognized. Anybody remember 2007? Notable directors who made movies that year included the Coen brothers, Paul Thomas Anderson, Joe Wright, Tony Gilroy and Julian Schnabel. Daniel Day-Lewis won his second Oscar. Marion Cotillard became the first actor to win an Oscar lead performance award for a non-English role. An exotic dancer won the award for best original screenplay. The host was actually funny. Back then, we still had the 5 best picture nominees! Back then, it was more about good movies than getting Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie into every shot! Back then, the Oscars actually cared about movie music! 

For example, these two lovely people who made the world beautiful for the first time in a long time.

Markéta Irglová and Glen Hansard showing movie bosses who's boss.

Yes, I haven't really enjoyed the Oscars since 2008. 2007 was still the best year for movies. 2010 came slightly closer, what with The Social Network, The King's Speech and Inception. Good movies slide in here and there depending on the year (remember The Hurt Locker?), but 2007 was SOLID. The films were enriching, the characterizations were thought-provoking, the performances were inspiring, the creativity and artistry were enlightening. 2007's films are the best examples of films as art. I could watch the cinematography of There Will Be Blood over and over again and just die from the sheer technique and crisp photographic eye of that perfect movie. Yes, I will be an annoying brat and a bad movie critic by calling that film perfect. But it was perfect.

This year was not so bad. I didn't have time to see many of the movies that were nominated, but films like The Artist and Midnight in Paris and Bridesmaids definitely made this year pretty good. The actresses were definitely the highlights of 2011, what with people like Glenn Close, Octavia Spencer, Meryl Streep, Viola Davis, Janet McTeer, Melissa McCarthy, Michelle Williams, Marion Cotillard and Tilda Swinton all pulling in wonderful performances within a 12-month span. Add to that amazing newcomers such as Rooney Mara, Jessica Chastain, Emma Stone, Elizabeth Olsen, Léa Seydoux, Mia Wasikowska and Elle Fanning, I would say that 2011 stands out as being the year of the Actress. So many great roles for women this year, and for that, I quite enjoyed the movies that came out. 

And you really can't go wrong with a red carpet showdown that has Jessica Chastain parading in this: 

Holy shit Chastain, could you be more hot?

Too bad the actual Oscar awards show is still as boring as ever. I have to admit, the only time I actually paid attention was when Cirque du Soleil performed (amazing as ever) and when Jean Dujardin won his Oscar, because he is absolutely adorable and everything he says is like melted butter on a piece of French bread. It's just yummy and amazing. And the fact that George Clooney didn't win was way too overly satisfying. Anyway, I didn't really start liking the Oscar show tonight until Uggie the dog came on when The Artist won Best Picture. And by then, the show was basically over. The Oscars this year was as predictable as the sun rising in the morning. They laugh at bad jokes. They talk about what an awesome year it has been. They laugh at more bad jokes. They bring out props and play out scenes that teenagers could have written and performed better in a high school drama class. They ham up the actors and give them too much speech time while cutting the speeches of people winning the "less ratings savvy" awards such as the one for Best Documentary Short. Because obviously, the public watching don't give a fuck about documentary shorts or foreign films or sound mixing.

I started to think about what I would do to the Oscars if I got to produce the show. And I came up with these changes:

1. Have Ellen DeGeneres or Jon Stewart host. Or Uggie the dog. 

2. Do an Oscar pool at the Oscars. Basically, have the people in the audience submit their guesses for the pool before coming in. During the show, the producers will keep track of how many guesses are correct, and award the person with the highest score at the end with a cool prize. Like a date with Jessica Chastain. 

3. Invite Markéta Irglová and Glen Hansard to write all the music for the show. 

4. Don't invite George Clooney. Even when he is nominated. 

5. Get a dance company to perform an interpretive dance representing scenes and/or themes from each of the movies nominated for Best Picture. 

6. Reduce the Best Picture nomination list to five films. Everyone knows the five best out of anyway. For example, when you've got The Artist up for 10 nominations, and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close up for 2 (plus being the worst reviewed Oscar picture nominee in years), I can pretty much GUARANTEE that Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close isn't going to win jack shit. Why nominate it when no one is even going to tick that off in their Oscar pools? It's like a sick joke. This is one of the reasons I preferred the Oscars prior to 2009. We nominated 5 of the best films because they were the best. We didn't nominate 10 just so the category could double as a sympathy box for movies that were just decent. We didn't nominate 10 just so we could stick Pixar into the mix (and as a result turn the animation category into a loser's field). You need only look at the editing category to know which movies stand the best chance anyway. 

7. Give winners for categories such as Best Cinematography and Best Documentary more speech time than the winners for the performance categories. Why? Because as much as I want to hear actors or actresses cry and act shocked even though they had the award in the bag coming into this crapfest, the people in the less scrutinized categories actually give better speeches most of the time. Remember Luke Matheny's speech for his award for Best Live Action Short Film in 2011 for "God of Love"? Man, that kid was so precious - the definite highlight of the 83rd Oscars. 

8. Bring back original song performances and let them play the song in its entirety. Include a segment for original score nominations, to be performed by a full orchestra and to be accompanied by a light show. 

9. Troll the paparazzi hard and have everyone come to the Oscars dressed as Muppets. That way, they can dodge the awkward "What are you wearing" questions and just say "Elmo, duh." 

10. Give Anderson Cooper front row seats so that whenever the host says a stupid joke, the mic will be close enough to pick up Cooper's giggle and we can all laugh at that. 

There we go. I may not have planned out a good broadcast show, but damn if it's not better than anything the Oscar producers have shelled out recently. The ratings seem to decrease as the years go by, so the producers nominate better known and accessible films, they nominate and invite more famous people. Little do they know that having Brad Pitt sitting in the front row will only get people watching for so long. If you can't make the recognition of interesting movies interesting, then you need to try something new. I quite like the Muppets idea. Let's run with it.

So, Academy Awards, please hire me to be next year's producer. I'm ready. Markéta Irglová is so totally ready to seduce me - with her music, of course. Ahem.

That is one lucky jacket.