I'm as mild and as meek as a mouse

I just recently finished reading a book by Malinda Lo, entitled Ash. Naturally, when I finish a book, I automatically tend to cast the hypothetical movie for it. And this is basically a post where I hypothetically cast a movie that is probably never going to happen. At least with me as casting director calling the shots on who will get to play these beloved characters.

Scarlett Johansson as Cinderella by Annie Leibovitz

Cinderella is a story we’re all familiar with, right? Girl is taken advantage of by her stepmother upon the passing of her father, is made to be a slave, basically. One day, the Prince decides it’s about time he picked a wife so he decides to host a ball and invites all the eligible young ladies to it (because he obviously has no female friends or love interests to speak of). Cinderella’s stepsisters get to go but she doesn’t. In a twist of fate, she meets a fairy godmother who gives her all the princess perks, with the only condition being that the magic wanes at midnight. Cinderella goes to the ball, catches the eye of the Prince and they dance and fall in love exactly the way it happens in real life. Cinderella loses track of time and at midnight, rushes away, losing her glass slipper in the process. The Prince keeps it as souvenir and because he is totally blind, he has to try the slipper on every woman in the kingdom to find the Cinderella he fell in love with the night before. He finds her, marries her and because Cinderella is such a forgiving girl, she arranges for her two evil stepsisters to marry lords and they all live happily ever after.

Although the story of Cinderella is ancient, and has many names and different versions that exist across the world, the version that we are probably most familiar with is the Charles Perrault version. It has been adapted into every art form imaginable and even works that do not make direct reference to Cinderella still do contain elements of the story. There’s just something really alluring and fascinating about people who live terrible lives only to suddenly gain everything in the world. Here are some Cinderellas I grew up with:

Disney Cinderella. Despite living a horrible life and having a cruel and abusive family, this Cinderella seemed to still be happy enough to sing songs in the morning and sing songs while cleaning. She aided her family without a care in the world, and she made friends with mice and birds.

Julie Andrews Cinderella. Julie Andrews just wins at all things. She was my favourite person when I was younger and when I picture Cinderella in my head, she’s my default.

Brandy Norwood Cinderella. Where Whitney Houston played the fairy godmother. And Bernadette Peters played the stepmother. Need I say more? The cast itself screams epic. Amazing music adaptations, very quaint set design that was perfect for a live action fairytale. The music of Rodgers and Hammerstein never fails.

Drew Barrymore Cinderella. A modern version of Cinderella that finally made her seem more human. Drew Barrymore played her perfectly and one of the greatest things about this movie is that it at least tried to be historically accurate - from the costumes to the way people swam back in the day.

Anne Hathaway Cinderella. An adaptation of the Gail Carson Levine novel, which is a re-telling of the Cinderella tale, Ella Enchanted does not follow the story to a T plot point. The movie itself strays even further from the book, which was quite mature and deep for a children’s novel. I remember reading it at the end of grade seven and thinking that it was the cutest love story I had ever read. I had never really looked at love stories that way before, but Gail Carson Levine’s depth of writing pulled me into that world like nothing else. The movie, unfortunately, did not capture that, and instead turned the book into a cheesy musical movie, targeting an audience familiar with Cinderella but not necessarily with Ella Enchanted. Despite that, I still enjoyed the movie for what it was, and Anne Hathaway is adorable in it.

Hilary Duff Cinderella. I know this movie was meant to be cute fluff and catered to the Disney Channel generation but man, it was annoying. I have nothing against Hilary Duff but she isn't the best actress and this movie was like walking into a Claire's Accessories store and walking out having bought a bunch of ugly overpriced stuff that you're never going to wear.

Anyway, onto Ash, which, though not at all on the same level as the Gail Carson Levine novel, could be seen as the Ella Enchanted of the 21st Century.

Ash is a modern re-telling of the classic Cinderella story, but with a queer twist. I was drawn to it because a) It had pretty good reviews, b) As cliché as it sounds, I really like Cinderella stories, and Disney’s Cinderella, though it scared the crap out of me as a kid, was still a movie that I made myself watch everyday, c) Lesbians and d) LESBIANS. I’ll admit it, I didn’t really adore Ash as much as I expected to. Although I loved the concept and the fantastical world that Lo created with this story, I still felt that the main Cinderella character, Aisling or better known as Ash, felt flat. I hate to think this, but in terms of personality or lack thereof, she would give Bella Swan a run for her money. I guess Cinderella in the original story wasn’t much of an interesting character herself, but I would have liked for Ash to be maybe a little more evolved than her earlier counterpart. In a way, Ash’s blandness made her relatable, but it also made her incredibly boring as a narrator. Normally, I love reading stories from the first person perspective. However, when the first person has the personality range of a toothpick, there’s only so much emotion you can get out of the text. And I think that was my big problem with it, the fact that there was little to no emotion. The text itself is beautiful. Although her writing can seem repetitive and predictable at times, Malinda Lo has a great talent for fantasy writing. Her descriptions are lush and the world she has created is rich in detail and well thought out and put together. In terms of the characterization and the humanity of the story itself however, this is where the re-telling fails. 

Ash has connections with several different characters in the novel: Sidhean a.k.a. The Fairy Godmother; Prince Aidan a.k.a. Prince Charming and Kaisa a.k.a. The Huntress a.k.a. The Love of Ash’s Life. I kind of got the idea that maybe Ash was bisexual, as throughout the novel, especially in the first half, there are hints that she feels an unwanted attraction towards Sidhean, a male fairy. Although she is clearly more attracted to Kaisa, I never felt that there was any real chemistry between the two characters. There was nothing strong enough in the development of either girls throughout the story to indicate that they were passionately in love with one another. Now, I’m not asking for straight up erotic Fifty Shades of Lesbian fantasy here. But when I pick up a book solely based on the fact that it is about two girls falling in love (yes, guilty as charged), I EXPECT SOME SEX STUFF. Well, not literal sex stuff, but sexual tension AT LEAST. I want to feel, as a reader, that these two characters want nothing more than to get the other in bed at the end of the day. For romance to be romantic, it has to have that element of sacrifice, of apathy, of understanding, of commitment. It has to be about love, yes, but for it to be truly romantic it must also have that other aspect. The aspect of desire, of passion, of an almost animalistic need to have someone. You all remember that library scene in Atonement? YES, LIKE THAT. It doesn’t even need to be played out. I mean, the presence of sex is possible even at the absence of sex, if that makes any sense. Like that library scene in Becoming Jane, where he tells her that for her to become a proficient writer of fiction, her horizons must be widened. I mean, they are in a LIBRARY and there are books everywhere and the two characters are like 15 feet from one another and they are separated by a million bookshelves and they are talking about books and yet that one line....HOLY CRAP if we all didn’t want to jump that character’s bones right then and there in the middle of that library.

And yes, I understand that I just referenced two movies of James McAvoy’s involving characters played by James McAvoy and I will confirm right now that none of my strong feelings for either of those scenes has anything to do with James McAvoy. 

But you get what I mean. I will say that Kaisa’s character was more intriguing for me than Ash’s. She was the King’s Huntress, a royal official who exuded confidence, strength, authority and sexual appeal. There were segments in the novel that indicated that she was desired by many and that even though she wasn’t necessarily engaging in many relationships, people around her always assumed that she was. I pictured her as this really hot girl, and I definitely understood Ash’s attraction to her, though I never really grasped why Kaisa felt the same way about Ash. I felt a lot of the time that I as a reader was trying to put the pieces together in the main relationship of the novel. Though I was somewhat invested more in Kaisa’s character than I was in Ash’s, I never felt that I was invested in their love, because I didn’t really believe it. There wasn’t enough in the novel in terms of emotional investment for me to truly think that this relationship was real, or could be real. They were the equivalent of that couple you see in 90 minute feature movies -- the ones who meet across the room 15 minutes in, fall in love 5 minutes afterwards for no reason whatsoever other than the fact that they happened to make eye contact for 2 seconds, then kiss victoriously at the end and you just have to accept the fact that they belong together and will live happily ever after.

I have to give Lo credit though, I really loved the fact that girls falling in love with one another was not presented as taboo in the fantasy world of the book. There is no homophobia or implying of the fact that heterosexual relationships are the norm in this society. It was refreshing to read a book with lesbian characters that didn’t concern itself with the fact that these girls were lesbians. Too often I feel that books and television and movies portray queer characters as being characterized solely by the fact that they’re non-heterosexual, and giving them very limited qualities beyond being gay. Ash did not do this. Of course, having it set in a fantasy world where anything was possible, including the normalization and acceptance of homosexual people, probably helped in avoiding the current political aspect of queer culture entirely.

ASH

I feel like for them to make a film adaptation that would hook you from the get-go, they need to make Ash more interesting and 3-dimensional than she was in the book. All of these actresses have great range, screen presence and the charisma to carry a feature film as its protagonist.

1. Melonie Diaz

2. Imogen Poots

3. Mia Wasikowska

4. Alia Shawkat

KAISA

Kaisa, like I described above, is someone who is part role model, part heartthrob. I would choose the following actresses based on their stature, the fact that they could kick ass and also their voices. I feel that a heartthrob’s heartthrob status is largely based on how they sound when they speak. A good speaking vice melts hearts and minds like nothing else could.

1. Jennifer Lawrence

2. Jamie Chung

3. Troian Bellisario

4. Lenora Crichlow

SIDHEAN

Sidhean is an enticing emo weirdo cursed fairy. I picked a handful of amazingly talented actors who are beautiful but in a way where you don’t really know why they’re beautiful.

1. Eddie Redmayne

2. Ezra Miller

3. Domhnall Gleeson

4. Ben Whishaw

So there is my dream casting. I really hope that whatever it is or however it goes, that this book does eventually get a film adaptation. Hollywood seems to be going through a phase of modern fairy tale adaptations, what with Beastly, Red Riding Hood, Mirror Mirror, Snow White and the Huntsman, Jack the Giant Slayer, and so on. Not all of these movies have been any good, unfortunately, but a film like Ash would fit into this mold perfectly. And to be quite honest, there’s nothing keeping us back from putting more queer representation in mainstream movies, especially ones that aren’t in token, stereotypical or supporting roles. 

I will end this post with a performance medley by the original cast of Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella, currently playing on Broadway.

I would still plant my apple tree.

Anyone ever feel this way sometimes?

Because someone you know is most likely thinking the same thing about you.

A post about movies. Because what else am I going to talk about.

So the Oscars are done and it got me thinking: what is the point of this awards show? It's the culmination of a 12-month's worth of movies and an awards season that lasts about three months. Are we in it for the glam? Are we in it for the gossip magazine articles? Are we in it for the speculation? The hosts? The skits? In essence, the Oscars should be a time to celebrate filmmaking. Beneath all the money and the fancy clothes and the celebrities, this is a time to appreciate what is a fairly new art form, and one that is growing and developing at an incredibly fast rate. Movies have been around for barely a hundred years, and there are so many talented people around the world making them. Whether they be working as technical artists, production designers, makeup artists, directors, actors or writers, film is a medium that utilizes people of various talents, and the Oscars should be a time to appreciate all of these people that make film possible. Unfortunately, for many, it just becomes a time to talk about fashion, to make bad jokes and to disrespect those who work in film.

So I figured I'd vent a little bit here and talk about what the Oscar awards should be about, in an open letter about how to improve the biggest night in Hollywood. I'm going to call this one: 

How to make next year's Oscars better a.k.a. The kind of list we come up with every year yet the next Oscars is never better:

Possible future hosts (as in, people who would actually be funny without dropping Roman Polanski jokes):

Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph and Tina Fey (separately or together).

Stephen Colbert. 

Dana Eagle.

Jimmy Fallon. 












Margaret Cho.

Cory Kahaney.

Possible future play-out music THAT WON'T INTERRUPT TECHNICAL WINS AND GIVE THEM AS MUCH TIME AS ACTOR WINS. I mean, seriously, it's not like the actors' speeches are any more interesting:

"Sex With Ducks" by Garfunkel and Oates.

"It's Your Duty To Shake That Booty" by Lena Nystrom.

"Mmmbop" by Hanson.

"Jubilee Street" by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds.

Possible future show themes:

TRIBUTE TO GIALLO FILMS. The stylization! The gore! The fun!

WOMEN IN FILM. Bringing attention to the Bechdel Test, to Geena Davis' studies, to female protagonists in female centred films, as well as women as filmmakers, including those who have been nominated and won Oscars. They could dedicate a whole Oscar show and some more to women in film. The possibilities are endless, although this will probably never happen because misogyny. To anyone who says that if they do this there should be a "Men in Film" theme because REVERSE DISCRIMINATION, I say SCREW YOU THREE TIMES OVER "MEN IN FILM" IS THE THEME OF EVERY OSCAR AWARDS SEASON. Also, to those who say they can't name any female filmmakers, here are just three of many women who have directed and written Oscar-winning movies in the past decade. 

The HISTORY OF VFX. I can imagine this one being really cool. Visual effects on the Oscar stage! Green screen being utilized! References to Star Wars, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Alien, Close Encounters of the Third Kind! OH THE POSSIBILITIES. Also, it's about time we showed some respect and appreciation for those who do special effects and animation. Movies wouldn't be where they are today without these people.

NUDITY. I mean, they tried this year with the whole "boobies" song. Which was awkward and only really became funny when they showed the reactions of the women they were singing about. AMERICA THOUGH. WHY AREN'T YOU ALL TALKING ABOUT THE REAL NAKED MOVIES OUT THERE???!!! Sometimes I find that Hollywood seems to forget that men can be naked in movies too. If you're only concerned about boobs, then you really need to expand your repertoire on what can and what has been shown on-screen. There is so much good stuff, seriously. It'll be great to have an Oscar show that talks about the NC-17 rating, about the stigma Hollywood has towards sex, about the scandalous nature of pre-code movies, about the spectrum of sexuality and how it is presented on film, about Hollywood's resistance to male nudity, about the Hollywood's objectification of women, about films that tiptoe into porn territory.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS. a.k.a. THE BEST OSCAR THEMED SHOW EVER.

I am really convinced they should let me direct/write the next Academy Awards. It's just frustrating to watch a show year in and year out that celebrates my favourite movies of the year yet never seems to manage to do it properly. I may not be able to entertain the stupid people like Seth MacFarlane did but I'd be open to teaching them about film. Which is really what the Oscar season should be all about. Less boob jokes, more movies, please.

I will end this post with Quvenzhané Wallis. The future of film, right here.

There's a message in my alpha-bits, it says oooooo

Hmm, I figured I should probably do a post about the Oscars because if I did it any later it would be awkward and everyone will have forgotten about it and no one would care to read this. 

So yeah. Here is my re-cap of this year's Oscars.

STEWIE GRIFFIN.

THE MOVIES WOULD BE NOTHING WITHOUT VFX PEOPLE. GIVE THEM BACK THEIR JOBS, DARN IT.

CHARLIZE THERON IS SMOKING.

PETER GRIFFIN.

SO QUENTIN TARANTINO IS STILL WEIRD.

AND ANG LEE IS STILL THE COOLEST BLOKE EVER. I KNOW IT HAPPENED A MILLION YEARS AGO BUT CRASH SUCKED. BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN FOR THE WIN ALWAYS.

QUVENZHANÉ WALLIS HAS DONE MORE IN NINE YEARS THAN I WILL DO IN MY LIFETIME.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE FALLING.

I WOULD STILL TOTALLY MARRY JENNIFER LAWRENCE.

BRIAN/TED.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS WAS ALMOST MARGARET THATCHER OMMMGGG. I WOULD HAVE WATCHED THAT SO HARD.

SECOND-HAND EMBARRASSMENT FOR JENNIFER GARNER.

O CANADA OUR HOME AND NATIVE LAND.

TOO MANY WHITE PEOPLE.

THE END.

Oh and there was that Les Mis number. Which, I must admit, kind of sucked save for Samantha Barks and this BAMF.

Seriously. When he walked onto the stage, I was like gripping my armrests going DEAR GOD FORGIVE ME FOR ALL THE WONDERFUL THOUGHTS I AM THINKING RIGHT NOW.

MY THOUGHTS:

There's just nothing that turns me on more than a Broadway performer saving the asses of a bunch of noobies and showing them how it's done. His theatrical experience as well as Samantha's was really obvious on that stage.

So the moral of this story is, Aaron Tveit. Because Aaron Tveit.

See you all at next year's Oscars. Hopefully the jokes won't be as bad and the winners won't all be white.

Welcome Zion

Today's Monday, which sucks. But you know what Monday is? The day before Tuesday! And Tuesday is album release day, my favourite day of the week besides laundry day.

Now, normally I don’t make that big a deal of album release day. But when one of your favourite bands from your childhood releases their first album in two years, making it their sixteenth in fifteen years, it is worthy of some kind of celebration.

The band I’m talking about is one called Hillsong United. And yes, they are what you would call a Christian band.

Christian music is a topic that I’ve always been fascinated by, from its history to its relevance today in both sacred and secular culture. That’s a whole other blog post, but I do find it interesting the way in which non-religious people oftentimes react to the fact that I do listen to Christian music, on top of all the other genres I am obsessed with. It’s not really considered acceptable in any circles except the religious ones, and even though I do somewhat connect with religion, for some reason people seem to think that I only listen to its music in church, and never outside it. This is never true. I listen to Christian music the same way I listen to secular music. I’ll have Bethany Dillon and The Weeknd on the same playlist. Music is music and if I like it, I’ll listen to it, regardless of its genre, how out of culture it is or how badly written it may be (as ashamed as I am to say that).

I remember one time during a university orientation where we were asked to tell the other people in the group what our favourite type of music was. At this time, I was really into Broadway and Underoath, so I told them that my favourite music could be found somewhere between musical theatre and Christian hardcore. I never talked to any of those people again. 

Let me just say that Christian music for me is defined not by any kind of band that sings songs with Christ-related lyrics, but that they are specifically bands that cater to the Christian market. Many bands that are spiritual in their songs would prefer to not be called Christian bands, which is a valid choice and why I only really use the term for those who write music first and foremost for that specific niche of an audience. It’s more a culture than it is a genre, as within it, Christian music does span every music genre in the spectrum from gospel to punk to metal. 

Anyway, like I said, the discussion of all the technicalities of Christian music belongs in a different post entirely on its own. Hillsong United fall into the worship sector, which I like to simply define as music normally sung/performed as an entire congregation, music as prayer essentially. This makes sense, seeing as United grew out of the youth group at the very famous Hillsong Church in Sydney, Australia. United was formed in 1998 as a sister band of sorts to the already established Hillsong Music/Live, which had released its first album ten years beforehand. Today, Hillsong musicians write music and perform for both bands, and there isn’t a clear cut division between United and Live, save for the separate albums that they put out. United’s music are generally more upbeat and experimental, while Live’s are more contemporary and traditional, but both bands do still perform each other’s music under their respective names. Their worship leaders span across Hillsong churches in Sydney, London, New York City, Kiev, Cape Town, Moscow and Stockholm. On top of that, they have released translations of their music in Ukrainian as well as Spanish. In the secular world, they may be considered unknowns, but once you enter any Christian church, they’re everywhere. I was in church yesterday and Dylan Thomas’ name was splashed across the screen. Who is he? EXACTLY.

This is Dylan Thomas.

Many consider them overrated and robotic. They are often criticized for churning out the same music over and over again, and in the same vein, they are criticized for having an identity crisis, of never sticking with one genre and style and being inconsistent in their songwriting. Both of these criticisms are perfectly valid in some capacity. Though they have a talent for churning out some really catchy melodies, their lyrics sometimes tend to fall into cliché territory, making their songs seem vapid. However, I think this is the exact formula that has made their music so successful and marketable -- it sounds good and it’s general and non-threatening enough that anyone could relate to them, no matter where you are in your spiritual life.

Think Taylor Swift only in this case it’s a bunch of guys and girls singing about God instead of Tim McGraw (I actually kind of am secretly in love with that Tim McGraw song, by the way).

Since releasing studio albums on top of live albums, I feel that United have been able to expand their repertoire, exploring different techniques and styles as well as different themes. Their music is still very mainstream and accessible, but there is a new sophistication and maturity to the songwriting, as if writing and recording in studio first allows room for creativity and experimentation. It is interesting because United are definitely first and foremost a live band, and their songs are only really as good as the way they perform them. I saw them for the first time ten years ago, and then again a year after that. The quality of their live performances is definitely one of if not the best I have ever seen, right down to vocal quality, instrumentation and live arrangement. There is an energy to them that not many musicians can pull off, and the crowd soaks it up like it’s the last good life experience they will ever have. If you have yet to see them live, I’d really suggest picking up their Miami concert DVD that they filmed last year. It’s a full two and a half hour concert themed after their last studio album, Aftermath, and it feels like one entire song from beginning to end.

Despite the fact that many people, even in Christian circles, view them as the “uncool” band to like, I really do think that they are talented musicians who know how to reach their audience. They keep spiritual life and experience at the centre of their songs, without seeming pretentious or over the top. Simply put, they write and perform love songs, something that has made them perhaps the most successful worship band of all time. 

Though they have been releasing live albums for over a decade now, some of which are the best-selling worship albums of all time, United didn’t actually enter the studio until 2006 with All of the Above, which some criticized for sounding too professional and lacking the aesthetic feel of a live recording. On the other hand, others were calling it a fun album that took worship songs beyond their genre without necessarily changing the essence of them. Their second studio album, Aftermath, praised by some for its slightly risqué songwriting choices and put down by others for not sounding enough like a Christian album, was released in 2011, which was around the same time they started working on Zion. From what I’ve heard of their third studio album, it’s an admirable step up from what we normally see of them. They’re experimenting with synths and soaring melodies that are sometimes reminiscent of Coldplay. The imagery of some of the lyrics is very beautiful and poetic, and the effective use of repetition and instrumental breaks make the songs highly emotional and reflective. 

In anticipation for the release of Zion, I thought I’d do something I’ve never done before, which is rank the best Hillsong United songs. This was a highly difficult thing to do as there are hundreds of them, not counting the ones written as Hillsong Live. To compress the experience that is this band into a 20-song list was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do since my Calculus 12 exam, but here it is, in no particular order because I don't hate myself enough to go through that kind of torture:

1. All I Need Is You (written by Marty Sampson) // LOOK TO YOU
2. Take Heart (written by Joel Houston) // AFTERMATH
3. Never Let Me Go (written by Joel Houston) // ALL OF THE ABOVE
4. Desert Song (written by Brooke Fraser) // ACROSS THE EARTH: TEAR DOWN THE WALLS
5. Till I See You (written by Joel Houston, Jad Gillies) // LOOK TO YOU
6. Aftermath (written by Joel Houston) // AFTERMATH
7. Take All Of Me (written by Marty Sampson) // MORE THAN LIFE
8. King Of All Days (written by Dylan Thomas) // ACROSS THE EARTH: TEAR DOWN THE WALLS
9. All... (written by Joel Houston) // TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH
10. Bones (written by Jill McCloghry, Joel Houston) // AFTERMATH
11. From The Inside Out (written by Joel Houston) // UNITED WE STAND
12. Light (written by Marty Sampson) // MORE THAN LIFE
13. Free (written by Marty Sampson) // TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH
14. Like An Avalanche (written by Dylan Thomas, Joel Houston) // AFTERMATH
15. Always (written by Mia Fieldes) // MORE THAN LIFE
16. Deeper (written by Marty Sampson) // LOOK TO YOU
17. Came To The Rescue (written by Marty Sampson, Dylan Thomas, Joel Davies) // UNITED WE STAND
18. Break Free (written by Joel Houston, Matt Crocker, Scott Ligertwood) // ALL OF THE ABOVE
19. Freedom Is Here (written by Reuben Morgan, Scott Ligertwood) // ACROSS THE EARTH: TEAR DOWN THE WALLS
20. The Reason I Live (written by Marty Sampson) // BEST FRIEND

To those getting the album tomorrow, enjoy! I can't speak for everyone but it was definitely worth the two year wait.

Whoa I is back

Hello invisible people!

How goes it? I know it's been like forever since I posted something on this online diary of mine. I just recently completed my busiest semester at school, which is why I have been AWOL for the last quarter of 2012. Not that you would care. However, now it's all over and I have no life so I can go back to writing about the fact that I have no life. Again, not that you would care.

This is all actually quite exciting.

I got my hair cut today, something that was very much needed after a long winter of bear hibernation. Not the gay bear type. The actual bear type. 

Is it June yet?

There is something about haircuts that is just so satisfying. It's the same kind of satisfaction I get when I take out the garbage, see Roberto Luongo stop a puck, or when I smack a douchebag particularly hard in the face. You can let out your anger, your frustration and your hatred of the world in a single haircut. Every time those pairs of scissors hack at your luscious mane, it's like you're cutting off all the memories attached to that particular hairstyle. That one time you got denied by that girl while having that hair, or that one time your hair witnessed a particularly gruesome accident involving a Toyota and a jay-walking squirrel -- all of that can be let go. All the hopelessness you feel every time you see another sexist PETA ad, another episode of Glee, another Boston Bruin fan throwing a hot dog across the ice, all of it is lifted off. And all of a sudden, those little things no longer bother you, because after all is said and done, you're going to look mad fly with your new hair. You can be sad one day, get a haircut, and be perfectly normal again. Although, if your haircut is ugly or your stylist fucked up your bangs, you'd probably still be sad.

Unless you're this guy. Who apparently never wants to get laid.

Whatever though, at least he's proud of it. Life is like a box of chocolates hairstyle, guys. As shitty as it may look one moment, it will grow out, it will be fixed, and you can move on and rock out the next great look.

This is going to be a quick post because I'm still learning how to write again and I am also slightly illiterate after all the months I spent this past winter thinking about absolutely nothing. Which, my fellow humans, does not do one much good, I just realized. Who woulda thought?