Shit meme

OK, so you guys know the current "Shit....Says" meme phenomenon seeping through youtube culture right now. Don't know what I'm talking about? Here are a couple examples:

And my personal favourite:

Anyway, I hung out with some real idiots yesterday and they inspired me to do my own version.

So here it is.

SHIT STRAIGHT GUYS SAY 

(WHEN THEY ARE DRUNK)

"I've got big guns, check them out."

"Mine are bigger than his."

"SHOTS!!!"

"Ew, baseball."

"Ew, the Maple Leafs."

"Ew, bourbon."

"SHOTS!!!"

"Engaged women at their bachelorette parties are bulls-eye targets for easy sex."

"Natalie Portman is a beautiful woman."

"SHOTS!!!"

"Guys are physically stronger than girls."

"Really, guys are physically stronger than girls."

"I won't argue feminist issues with girls."

"SHOTS!!!"

"If she's willing, then technically it's not my fault."

"If I push her, and she's willing, then it's technically not my fault."

"If she wants it, I can't exactly say no."

"SHOTS!!!"

"Would you rather date a guy who covers up his baldness or a guy who shaves his head and owns his baldness?"

"I'm totally going to be bald in the next seven to ten years."

"SHOTS!!!"

"As long as she takes a shower after fucking him, I am totally ok with fucking my best friend's girlfriend."

"And that is so not homoerotic."

"You just...weed out the yard before you sow your seed, you know?"

"SHOTS!!!"

"The way the media portray Luongo...it's a whole load of fuckery."

"Jonathan Toews? God, Jonathan Toews. I would make sweet love to that man."

"SHOTS!!!"

Now, don't get me wrong. I like straight guys, I really do. They're cute and funny and they're a real ego booster because their stupid antics make me feel a lot more evolved and a lot more intellectual than I actually am. In case you were wondering, I am not exaggerating any of the quotes above. The people I hang out with actually talk like this. And their drunk talk is pretty much their normal talk because we seem to be drunk together all the time. Sometimes, I facepalm so much in their presence that I just look like I'm passed out on the table. 

My goal for this month is to drink less. The moment that thought appeared in my head though, this other part of my brain was all "MOTHERFUCKIN' BOLLOCKS."

Thanks, brain. Thanks for the support.