Tips for a healthy playoffs season

This is for all you Vancouver Canucks fans. The ones who live in Vancouver. The ones who don't live in Vancouver, you're irrelevant because I don't see you, I don't know you, and thus your behaviour will not affect me. But to those who live in Vancouver, this is my equivalent to a master's thesis you could say, on things that, as a fan from a hockey nation, you should never, ever do.


I figured it would be a good time to bring this up because 1) The Canucks have clinched a playoff spot, 2) We expect the Canucks to go far in the playoffs, 3) Last time they went fairly far in the playoffs, the entire city burst into flames and 4) Canuck fans, though very enthusiastic hockey crazies, are generally a little thick. In the head. So they need this drilled into them a few more times.


I will clarify, I am a huge fan of the Canucks. I've been one for as long as I can remember. I was born and raised in Vancouver. Hockey culture has always been a part of my life. Although I've seen the Canucks go through its ups and downs - experiences which have caused me to have mild panic attacks - I respect the sport and I respect the team. I'll make fun of them from time to time, but it's more so the kind of teasing that you would do to someone you love a lot. And I do. I love the Canucks a hell of a lot, and I want them to succeed and win for themselves and for this city.


Which is why I think we need to go over some proper hockey conduct for this year's playoffs. For the sake of your team, for the sake of your dignity and for the sake of my second hand embarrassment.


1. Let go of last year. NOW. It was LAST YEAR.

I've encountered many people who still won't talk about the loss in the finals against the Bruins. Yes it was horrendous and yes it was tragic, but IT WAS ONE SEASON. There are still many seasons to come. And there are still many chances. Our team hasn't burnt out yet. The Stanley Cup playoffs aren't the fucking Olympics so CHILL. Yes, I was upset when we lost. Yes, I cried that night. But I got over it after a couple days and went shopping for a new Canucks jersey. Because there's always going to be a next year.


2. The Bruins are idiots, yes. Their fans can be idiots, yes. We don't need to be.

I've discovered one thing this season. The more you mock the hell out of the Bruins, the less you hate them. Instead, you kind of just feel sorry for them. Yes, they have the Stanley Cup and yes, they earned it, but that doesn't make Milan Lucic any less of an oaf, his girlfriend Brittany Carnegie any less grammar-challenged, Brad Marchand any less of a hypocrite, or Zdeno Chara any less of a back breaker. It kind of allows you to take a step back, accept that they are hockey players you're never going to like but that you'll always enjoy watching, and let go of the anger left over from the playoffs last year. And remember, the last thing we want to become is them. Keep your identity in check, Canuck fans. We're not Bruins bashers, we're hockey fans.


3. Treat away players and their fans with dignity.


Last year, on the day of the final when I was downtown, I overheard some idiotic Canuck fans throw choice words at kids. KIDS. Wearing little Bruins headpieces that look like bears and little jerseys. Let me just reiterate the fact that YOU DON'T FUCKING DO THAT. I don't even know why I have to explain why you don't do it. You just don't do it, ok? It's a GAME, there's no need to be disrespectful to little kids or adults for that matter, just because they cheer for a different team. In their eyes, you're cheering for a different team. We're all cheering for different teams and it has no relevance or correlation to how much worth we have as people. If you took hockey out of the equation, we wouldn't treat people that way. So just don't. The same thing goes for players. For example, in the case that Henrik Lundqvist should come to Vancouver a.k.a. amazing hockey player who is so handsome that he almost shouldn't be a hockey player. Do you threaten him? No. Do you threaten to make out with him? Yes.

                      

4. Treat our players with dignity.


As in, don't call Luongo the worst thing that happened to the Canucks, ok? Vancouver fans are completely bi-polar when it comes to Luongo and I don't say that like it's a good thing. We go back and forth on him, loving him one week then hating him the next. There's never a middle ground with him, and the way the fans take their opinions on him to the extremes is ultimately going to screw you over as a fan because you're going to have a skewed view of his abilities. Luongo, stats-wise, is one of the best things to happen to this team and is definitely the best goalie to play for this team. Many who do not realize this, I'm sorry, but you would most likely be a bandwagoner who isn't fully aware of Luongo's history with us (which is fine. I don't say bandwagoner like it's a bad thing. The more fans the better). When other people say that Vancouver doesn't deserve Luongo, they are RIGHT. We don't deserve him and we don't realize what we have in him. If people outside Vancouver can see it, why can't we? Sure, Luongo has his downtime but IT HAPPENS TO EVERY GOALTENDER. When Luongo is on, he's on fire. Yes, Schneider is a great goalie and yes, we are fortunate that he has stepped up as co- and is no longer a "backup." We have a solid goaltending team in these two and they're going to carry us into this playoff season. I feel like I need to say this again because at tonight's game, Luongo got booed and Schneider was cheered onto the ice when Vigneault decided to make the switch. THAT IS NOT PROPER HOCKEY CONDUCT, GUYS. IT DOESN'T MATTER IF HE LETS IN 4 GOALS OR 8 GOALS OR 16 GOALS. YOU DON'T FUCKING BOO YOUR OWN GOALIE. This is really basic, foundational traditions in sports in general, not just in hockey. The fact that we hockey fans in a hockey city in a hockey nation still have not grasped this is sadly very pathetic.  Considering how much we love our players, it's ironic that we still fail miserably when it comes to respecting them.

5. For the love of God, don't destroy the city.


Why? Because a) You will get caught, b) Vancouver is a beautiful city and c) It's just not very nice. Simple. If some shitfaced moron tries to start another riot this year, I swear to God I will push you into the nearest source of water (which, around downtown, is very near in every general direction. You have been warned). Yes? Yes.


6. Don't throw your hats on the ice when a player has scored a 'third goal' on a shootout.


It doesn't technically count as a hat trick. And it would only make you look like an idiot for throwing your perfectly functional hat on the ice that you could have worn out in the Vancouver rain. So please, keep your hats. Throw your sockeye salmon instead. 


7. When in doubt, think WWCHD - What Would Cody Hodgson Do? 


So for example, in the case of a riot, Cody Hodgson would most likely not set fire to the Bank of Montréal. He would instead probably be standing there giving out free hugs and singing kum ba yah AROUND a modest campfire. So keep in mind, if Cody Hodgson wouldn't do it, then you probably shouldn't either.

Thanks for reading my Vancouver Canucks Hockey Fans' Code of Conduct. Be a good fan and enjoy the playoffs. Celebrate responsibly and remember, you live here. Don't turn your living area into shit. It then reflects on you.