How long till October?

Holy shit, Minnesota Wild.


This hockey franchise just got their cake and ate it too.

The Minnesota Wild just signed free agents Zach Parise and Ryan Suter to a 98 million, 13 year contract.


That's practically a marriage. The Wild are pumped, the Red Wings are pissed and Penguins fans are going WHHHYYYY NOT USSSSS. 


I have a feeling the Minnesota Wild are going to crush every team in the Western Conference next year. This is going to be just GREAT.


With regards to the Canucks, we've lost the following players:


Mike Duco

Marc-Andre Gragnani

Victor Oreskovitch (Oreo)

Sami Pahlsson

Ryan Parent

Aaron Rome

Sami Salo

If it feels like we've lost half our team, we kind of have. Let's have a moment of silence for all these wonderful players. For having donned a Canuck jersey, we'll always have a soft spot for these guys, and wish them all the best.


And welcome White Rock native Jason Garrison, of the Florida Panthers. He took $1 million less to come home, which just tugs at your Canadian heartstrings like nothing other. Vancouver's gonna love him so much for the next six years he's not going to know how to deal with it. Not only is he a hometown kid, but his stats are amazing. I have a feeling no one's gonna love him more than David Booth though.

But then again, David Booth loves everybody.

Sorry, Vancouver

You know what's worse than watching your hockey team lose a playoff series?


Watching them cry.


Then crying myself.


I love those boys and always will. 


So ok, it's been over 40 years. And ok, we've been so close so many times yet so far. And ok, it is very frustrating. And ok, sometimes you just want to pull your hair out and kick some furniture and jump on another bandwagon.


Just so you can feel what it's like to win.


Winning brings people together. It fuels pride and synthesizes identity.


But commitment to a sport isn't about winning. It's about loving your team even when they do lose. It's about believing they can win even when they don't.


This is why I can't ever not love them, and why it breaks me every time something like this happens. This is why I'm already counting down the days until next season. This is why, win or lose, I can't wait to see them play again.


It's blind love, I know. It's Canadian hockey.

O Canuck Haters,

This is an ode.


Actually, this is more of a letter than an ode. Odes are supposed to be somewhat written in praise of its subject. I don't really feel like praising anybody at the moment, so I'll just call this a letter.


Ahem.


Dear Canuck haters,


I understand your hatred for us. Trust me, as a Canuck fan, sometimes I hate myself too. Canuck fans are crazy, they are ruthless, they are obsessive, they are unsympathetic, they are proud. The riots that happened last year may not have helped our image. I understand that it is easy to point the finger at us, and call us people of skewed priorities. Yet it's easy to forget that human nature is human nature, and that riots happen everywhere, in every sport. Don't hold us to higher regard. It was shameful what happened and it's true, we're no better than the rest of you.


I understand your hatred for our team. Some of our guys can be real dicks and divers and drama queens. They act tough, they intimidate, they trash talk. They're doing exactly what every other athlete on the ice is doing. Whoever said hockey was a kind sport? And if you expect it to be, and you're surprised that our guys are douchebags, then frankly my dear, you haven't watched enough hockey. We're also a team consisting of some of the best players in the NHL, maybe some of the best players who've ever played. I understand that it can be a little much. It's hard to like guys who are not only dicks, but talented dicks. If that doesn't steal your thunder, then you would be a robot. So embrace that anger, embrace that competitiveness, it's what makes you human.


So Canuck haters, what I want to say is that even though I do not agree with all of your views, I do understand where you're coming from. Why? Because I am one of you. I'm not a Canuck hater, but I'm a hater in other regards. For example, I'll forever resent the Chicago Blackhawks for ruining the Fratellis' "Chelsea Dagger" for me.


What I don't understand about Canuck-hating culture, however, is this:

There are several things wrong with this.


First of all, winning or not winning the Stanley Cup does not in any way diminish the kind of talent that the Sedin twins possess. They are still two of the best players the NHL has ever seen, something that is evident when you look at their stats as well as when you see them play. Therefore, wearing a shirt like this makes you seem like an overly emotional hockey fan who does not actually know anything about hockey. You're so keen on putting them down because they don't play for your team that you don't realize that their level of play and sportsmanship is actually worthy of a lot of respect.


Second of all, 2 Girls 1 Cup is the kind of viral video that 12 year olds and Stewie and Brian are watching. Nowhere in there is there a witty, clever joke.


Third of all - and this can't be ignored - this T-shirt is incredibly sexist. Why, you may ask? Its use of the feminine, in the words "sisters" and "girls", to indicate weakness and failure. We live in a society surrounded by a culture that views femininity as the furthest thing from what anyone would want to strive for. The reasoning being the popular belief that girls are incapable, that girls will never live up to boys, that girls are passive, that girls are weak, that girls are sexual objects, that girls are not valued. If you don't believe me, then think a little harder to elementary school.

"You throw like a girl."

"You're a sissy."

"You're a pussy."

"Don't cry."

"You're just like a girl."

"Don't be a girl."

"Be a real man."

It's normal for us to hear things like this, which is why so many people wouldn't even notice that something like this T-shirt is sexist. Hell, we live in a world that is sexist and misogynist. Who is to blame us for thinking that these things are ok? We were raised to believe that these things are ok. It would feel natural to just look at a T-shirt like this one and think, "Oh, it's just making fun of the Sedins." But this is a bigger issue. I don't like to be dubbed the person with no sense of humour, but seriously, SERIOUSLY. To be born the gender that society deems of lower class and weaker state was bound to make me a little pissed off at the situation that we as human beings are in. Our language is sexist in that insults directed towards men are often in relation to how close they come to being like 'women.' To be a woman is the ultimate insult, because our society turned femininity into something negative and undesirable. It's fine when girls are masculine, because it means they're tough, they're cool, they can take it. But for a guy to be feminine? It's something to be discouraged, because a feminine guy is all of the above: a sissy, a pussy or, God forbid, a homosexual. All negative in our eyes.

I think it's about time we turned our language around, so that being a girl isn't an insult, so that being a girl is something that is desired, something that we can be proud of. At the same time, being feminine shouldn't take away from a man's masculinity, as the T-shirt is trying to imply. Real men are real men, period. I'm not going to fucking measure their testosterone v.s. estrogen levels, or rate their level of 'masculinity' on their grunting capabilities or their collection of romantic comedies on DVD. I'm not going to call hockey players women just because they don't have a Stanley Cup. For one thing, being a woman and winning a Stanley Cup don't really have any correlation. Unfortunately, women don't play in the NHL, so at the moment, it is technically impossible for a biologically born female to win a Stanley Cup. It is not a question of strength and talent that a woman lacks, it is simply the fact that the NHL is currently a man-only zone. So really, the insult on the T-shirt doesn't actually work as an insult at all. 

So the next time someone wears that shirt, tell them "Yes, if they were sisters and girls, they would not win a Stanley Cup. Are you discreetly hinting at the injustice in the gender restricted National Hockey League? What if the Sedins had been born girls? Their talents would have never been known as well as they are now. If they were girls, they would have never made it to the NHL. What does that say about how we judge athletic ability in boys and girls? What does that say about the amount of opportunities we offer boys and girls at the professional level?"  

And watch the T-shirt wearer give you a confused look, that you later respond to by congratulating them on their enlightened feminist perspectives. If they still look confused, ask them to take off the shirt because clearly, they didn't intend to say that at all when they decided to put that thing on. 

Being feminine and being a girl is not shameful. Being a feminine man or a man who acknowledges his feminine side does not make the man any less a man. You are who you are, and our sexist, binary language shouldn't try to stop us from being so. 

So Canuck haters, I welcome your hate. Just don't be sexist about it. I know that sports is full of misogyny, but I think it's about time we grew up and grew out of that. Also, from what I've seen, it's been American hockey fans wearing this T-shirt. I wonder how many of them know about their national women's hockey team, one of the most impressive hockey teams in the world with some of the hardest, fastest, toughest players I've ever seen on the ice. I don't know what it is about female hockey players, but I find them more terrifying than male hockey players. This has nothing to do with gender, and I'm not suggesting that female hockey players are tougher than male hockey players. I think it has more to do with the style of play itself. In women's hockey, there is no body checking. For some reason, this makes the game that much more risky. So, when the women are angry, you know they're genuinely angry. And when they hit someone or body check someone, they're doing it with the knowledge that they will be penalized, and the fact that they're doing it anyway makes them ultimately dangerous. They're in a zone of reckless play that is somehow more genuine than the male equivalent of the sport, where body checking and hits happen constantly without any kind of emotional front.

Anyway, the point I wanted to make as a conclusion to this piece is that the USA national women's hockey team has its own set of twins:

22-year old Jocelyne Lamoureux and Monique Lamoureux-Kolls, often cited as the Sedin twins of women's hockey. They complement each other, their playing styles are near identical and when they are on, they're pretty unstoppable.

I look back at the T-shirt and I really think it could act as a protest shirt. Just replace Sedin with Lamoureux. Why is it that the Lamoureux sisters won't ever win the Stanley Cup or something equal to it, something that is just as valued? Can we turn that around? There's a question to ponder on.

AAAAHHHHH

President's Trophy, bitches.
2nd year in a row.
Let the playoffs begin.


FUUUUUCCCKKKKKINNNNNN' YYYYYYEEEAAAAHHHHH.

Also, Megan and Mason Raymond are expecting their first kid really soon. As in tonight. So YAY NEW CANUCK BABY COMING!!!!!

Tips for a healthy playoffs season

This is for all you Vancouver Canucks fans. The ones who live in Vancouver. The ones who don't live in Vancouver, you're irrelevant because I don't see you, I don't know you, and thus your behaviour will not affect me. But to those who live in Vancouver, this is my equivalent to a master's thesis you could say, on things that, as a fan from a hockey nation, you should never, ever do.


I figured it would be a good time to bring this up because 1) The Canucks have clinched a playoff spot, 2) We expect the Canucks to go far in the playoffs, 3) Last time they went fairly far in the playoffs, the entire city burst into flames and 4) Canuck fans, though very enthusiastic hockey crazies, are generally a little thick. In the head. So they need this drilled into them a few more times.


I will clarify, I am a huge fan of the Canucks. I've been one for as long as I can remember. I was born and raised in Vancouver. Hockey culture has always been a part of my life. Although I've seen the Canucks go through its ups and downs - experiences which have caused me to have mild panic attacks - I respect the sport and I respect the team. I'll make fun of them from time to time, but it's more so the kind of teasing that you would do to someone you love a lot. And I do. I love the Canucks a hell of a lot, and I want them to succeed and win for themselves and for this city.


Which is why I think we need to go over some proper hockey conduct for this year's playoffs. For the sake of your team, for the sake of your dignity and for the sake of my second hand embarrassment.


1. Let go of last year. NOW. It was LAST YEAR.

I've encountered many people who still won't talk about the loss in the finals against the Bruins. Yes it was horrendous and yes it was tragic, but IT WAS ONE SEASON. There are still many seasons to come. And there are still many chances. Our team hasn't burnt out yet. The Stanley Cup playoffs aren't the fucking Olympics so CHILL. Yes, I was upset when we lost. Yes, I cried that night. But I got over it after a couple days and went shopping for a new Canucks jersey. Because there's always going to be a next year.


2. The Bruins are idiots, yes. Their fans can be idiots, yes. We don't need to be.

I've discovered one thing this season. The more you mock the hell out of the Bruins, the less you hate them. Instead, you kind of just feel sorry for them. Yes, they have the Stanley Cup and yes, they earned it, but that doesn't make Milan Lucic any less of an oaf, his girlfriend Brittany Carnegie any less grammar-challenged, Brad Marchand any less of a hypocrite, or Zdeno Chara any less of a back breaker. It kind of allows you to take a step back, accept that they are hockey players you're never going to like but that you'll always enjoy watching, and let go of the anger left over from the playoffs last year. And remember, the last thing we want to become is them. Keep your identity in check, Canuck fans. We're not Bruins bashers, we're hockey fans.


3. Treat away players and their fans with dignity.


Last year, on the day of the final when I was downtown, I overheard some idiotic Canuck fans throw choice words at kids. KIDS. Wearing little Bruins headpieces that look like bears and little jerseys. Let me just reiterate the fact that YOU DON'T FUCKING DO THAT. I don't even know why I have to explain why you don't do it. You just don't do it, ok? It's a GAME, there's no need to be disrespectful to little kids or adults for that matter, just because they cheer for a different team. In their eyes, you're cheering for a different team. We're all cheering for different teams and it has no relevance or correlation to how much worth we have as people. If you took hockey out of the equation, we wouldn't treat people that way. So just don't. The same thing goes for players. For example, in the case that Henrik Lundqvist should come to Vancouver a.k.a. amazing hockey player who is so handsome that he almost shouldn't be a hockey player. Do you threaten him? No. Do you threaten to make out with him? Yes.

                      

4. Treat our players with dignity.


As in, don't call Luongo the worst thing that happened to the Canucks, ok? Vancouver fans are completely bi-polar when it comes to Luongo and I don't say that like it's a good thing. We go back and forth on him, loving him one week then hating him the next. There's never a middle ground with him, and the way the fans take their opinions on him to the extremes is ultimately going to screw you over as a fan because you're going to have a skewed view of his abilities. Luongo, stats-wise, is one of the best things to happen to this team and is definitely the best goalie to play for this team. Many who do not realize this, I'm sorry, but you would most likely be a bandwagoner who isn't fully aware of Luongo's history with us (which is fine. I don't say bandwagoner like it's a bad thing. The more fans the better). When other people say that Vancouver doesn't deserve Luongo, they are RIGHT. We don't deserve him and we don't realize what we have in him. If people outside Vancouver can see it, why can't we? Sure, Luongo has his downtime but IT HAPPENS TO EVERY GOALTENDER. When Luongo is on, he's on fire. Yes, Schneider is a great goalie and yes, we are fortunate that he has stepped up as co- and is no longer a "backup." We have a solid goaltending team in these two and they're going to carry us into this playoff season. I feel like I need to say this again because at tonight's game, Luongo got booed and Schneider was cheered onto the ice when Vigneault decided to make the switch. THAT IS NOT PROPER HOCKEY CONDUCT, GUYS. IT DOESN'T MATTER IF HE LETS IN 4 GOALS OR 8 GOALS OR 16 GOALS. YOU DON'T FUCKING BOO YOUR OWN GOALIE. This is really basic, foundational traditions in sports in general, not just in hockey. The fact that we hockey fans in a hockey city in a hockey nation still have not grasped this is sadly very pathetic.  Considering how much we love our players, it's ironic that we still fail miserably when it comes to respecting them.

5. For the love of God, don't destroy the city.


Why? Because a) You will get caught, b) Vancouver is a beautiful city and c) It's just not very nice. Simple. If some shitfaced moron tries to start another riot this year, I swear to God I will push you into the nearest source of water (which, around downtown, is very near in every general direction. You have been warned). Yes? Yes.


6. Don't throw your hats on the ice when a player has scored a 'third goal' on a shootout.


It doesn't technically count as a hat trick. And it would only make you look like an idiot for throwing your perfectly functional hat on the ice that you could have worn out in the Vancouver rain. So please, keep your hats. Throw your sockeye salmon instead. 


7. When in doubt, think WWCHD - What Would Cody Hodgson Do? 


So for example, in the case of a riot, Cody Hodgson would most likely not set fire to the Bank of Montréal. He would instead probably be standing there giving out free hugs and singing kum ba yah AROUND a modest campfire. So keep in mind, if Cody Hodgson wouldn't do it, then you probably shouldn't either.

Thanks for reading my Vancouver Canucks Hockey Fans' Code of Conduct. Be a good fan and enjoy the playoffs. Celebrate responsibly and remember, you live here. Don't turn your living area into shit. It then reflects on you.

My life. My players.

GAME DAY. 5:30 pm vs Dallas Stars.


Here is a photo to get you through this game, no matter how badly the Canucks play:

If you don't know about these lovely men, then you are either a) A Canucks hater who thinks that Milan Lucic is the shit, b) A Maple Leafs fan in self-denial or c) Both. Which is totally fine, I do not judge. But I will say that maybe it's time for you to start noticing these dudes. And not just because they are very very very very photogenic.


These three guys run one of the most epic lines of the Canucks team roster. They're tight, their plays come together well and their speed and aggression make even the best players shake a little in their ice boots.


The American Express line consists of Ryan Kesler (Livonia, MI), Chris Higgins (Smithtown, NY) and David Booth (Detroit, MI). Watch for them the next time you watch a Canucks game (which may be never, I don't know. But just in case you do, you know who to look out for).


Vancouver loves these guys to death.


Until they play for the Americans in the Olympics.


THEN THEY'RE GOING DOWN.


On a side note, while we're on this subject, here is my absolute favourite American Express ad, done by none other than my favourite filmmaker (who also shares my name!), Wes Anderson.

Whale Education

Good God.

As a future teacher, I completely, 100%, whole-heartedly agree. This is the reason our education is going to shit. This is the reason teachers are going on strike. Our government does not give a fuck about whale education and whale culture. They are increasing class size, cutting down on funding for resources and special education, and they are filling our curriculums with way too much useless garbage when we could be teaching them something valuable that's gonna get them into university. Like whales.


And for all those intellectually deprived children who do not know what orcas are, HERE'S A FUCKING ORCA. YOU'RE WELCOME.

How to deal with forearm obsession

Today was east v.s. west sports day!!! The Vancouver Whitecaps played the Montréal Impact in Major League Soccer, and the Vancouver Canucks played the Montréal Canadiens in the National Hockey League. Both my cities got their wins too, with the Whitecaps defeating the Impact 2-nil and the Canadiens kicking Canuck ass 4-1. I feel like I should be drinking more to celebrate. Today was like walking into a sushi bar and getting a two for one deal plus a free miso soup or something. 


Yes, I am one of those perverted hockey fans who loves to see her favourite team get the shit kicked out of them by her other favourite team. It's like Inception. It doesn't make any sense but it's entertaining all the same.


You know what else is entertaining? This:

I've watched this clip about a billion times and I still don't understand how Sophie Schmidt just falls flat on her face like that. I mean, use those arms, girl, you've got really great arms.


I'm a huge fan of forearms on women. I'm a huge fan of other things too, but for the sake of staying on topic, forearms are where it's at. I think I first discovered my thing for forearms when I was at a concert at the Biltmore Cabaret in Vancouver. I was standing at the back of the crowd, and this girl I had never met pushed me to the front so that I ended up smack in front of the musician JD Samson. I don't remember much of the rest of the night, but I do remember spending most of it staring at JD Samson's forearms. That was when I realized that I may have a problem.


Schmidt's forearms are right up there with JD Samson's. She's the kind of person you dream of one day hugging because you just know that her limbs would make the experience really enjoyable.

I have this Dutch friend who hugs like a total pro. She did one yesterday where she came up behind me and wrapped her arms around my neck and just stood there, completely motionless. It was such a long hug that I basically took a nap on her forearms. It felt really fucking nice. 


I don't remember the point of this post now at all. I swear there was a moral to all of this. Hmm, I guess all I really want to say is that having a forearm fetish isn't something to be ashamed of. Just don't tell people you have one, or else they will think you to be extremely odd. And don't blog about it either, because shit on the Internet spreads like wildfire and pretty soon people will feel bad for you and give you sympathy hugs even though they suck at it. 


You don't want to set yourself up for uncomfortable situations that can easily be avoided by simply not admitting to forearm envy.


And until you meet Sophie Schmidt in person, hug as many people as you can. You never know, it could change someone's life for the better.

ever wonder?

The Canucks for Kids Fund Telethon happened yesterday during the game versus the Jets. Some of the stories told were incredibly sad yet inspirational and amazing. You think about all these kids and their parents who are going through so much and yet are able to find a great amount of strength. They still have this lust for life that is uplifting and very encouraging. Sometimes I hear the stories of these people and I truly believe that they encompass the meaning of life and its simplicity. It's not some great philosophical question that needs to be answered. The meaning of life is to stop searching for the meaning of life and to just be.

One of the things that came up during the telethon was the promotion of mindcheck.ca, a website created by various mental health services and organizations in BC including BC Children's Hospital to bring awareness to mental illness and depression. Many people often dismiss depression as an illusion, a non-existent "sickness" that does not require medication or attention. It's a silent disease that often carries no visible symptoms, but leads to fatal consequences.


Today, I went to a funeral for a friend who suffered from this. No one knew what he was going through - he had masked it so well, yet it ultimately took his life in the end. He was 25, he would have been 26 this April. He died nearly two weeks ago, and I still can't stop thinking about him. He was a beautiful boy who loved life and people. He had a passion for the environment and for animals. He had travelled the world, and oftentimes his conversations would always lead to talk of his future aspirations of working in foreign countries and helping those who live there. When I first met him, it was his level of experience and selflessness that struck me, as well as his intellect and sense of humour. I keep thinking about his last moments, how he must have felt the day he did it, and I'm at a loss. A couple days ago, my friends and I passed by the place he died. It happened by accident. We were coming home from the mountain - my friend missed a turn and we ended up exactly where I didn't want to be. There was silence from all of us. We didn't acknowledge it, but we knew that we were all thinking the same thing. We didn't want to be here. We should have paid more attention to the roads before. I wanted to close my eyes. I couldn't. The place was so beautiful and as I looked at it, I wished that I had been there with him -  wishing somehow that one of us, that anyone, could have stopped him from doing what he did.


mindcheck.ca was inspired by Rick Rypien, an NHL hockey player for the Vancouver Canucks who had suffered from depression for over a decade, something that eventually lead to his suicide at the age of 27. We all miss him dearly. His career was fulfilling, one of a very talented athlete with a passion for the game and an enduring love for his teammates. His life has now inspired greater awareness of mental health in the Lower Mainland, and he remains an encouraging symbol for the city and its sport. 


Every mind and body is precious to this world. Check yourself and the people you love. 

www.mindcheck.ca

Vocabulary is for losers.

It's that time again! Welcome to another round of "Word Of The Day That Is Not In The English Dictionary...Yet".

My dream library. Yes, it comes with a ladder for the higher shelves.

Today's word of the day is:


LORD BYRON: a nickname instigated by yours truly to identify Byron Bitz, right winger for the Vancouver Canucks with ginger powers, aggressive puck play and an official in on the Sedin twins. He hails from Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, considered to be the most cultural city in Canada (I am not joking. It really is). One of the key strategies he brings to the game is to distract opposing hockey players by kissing them. With his fists.


Here is a picture to help you visualize this new word!

Bitz is the one who is not the Avalanche player.

Now to use this new word in a couple of examples:


Example #1


CANUCKS FAN: I love Lord Byron. Nothing you can ever say can ever make me not like him.
ME: You know he used to play for the Bruins, right?
CANUCKS FAN: OK, you win.


Example #2


ENGLISH GEEK: Lord Byron is pure poetry.
CANUCKS FAN: .....on ice.
ENGLISH GEEK: I meant the real Lord Byron.
CANUCKS FAN: I did too.


For all your hard work today, here are 4 pictures of Paula Zago. You're welcome.

I'm an English major - "fuck" is the best noun and verb

Those Heart of a Canuck posters for the Heart of a Canuck campaign.....cry me a fucking river.


Don't get me wrong, it's not like I don't think the campaign is a great idea and the emotion behind it to be really sweet and consumerist friendly, but THOSE POSTERS.


DAMN THOSE POSTERS.


Every time I see them at the skytrain stations, I get a little angry. I mean, we pay this franchise so much fucking money to keep us happy, and they can't even hire a proper FUCKING WRITER OR EDITOR??!! Not only do the captions on the posters make me cry tears of cheese they're so lame but the captions don't even use PROPER PUNCTUATION. And it pisses me the fuck off.


Okay, let's take Maxim Lapierre's poster for example.

The caption reads: 

One trade and then another. But he wouldn't quit. Then he finally got a chance. And facing the biggest challenge of his career, he became a Vancouver Canuck.

I'm sorry, but mother fucking-WHAT?! There are so many short sentences here it feels like it was written from a drunk game of One Word Story. I think that the 20 periods used for every 2 words is the writer's way of creating suspense and drama. Unfortunately, it just reads like sports fan fiction a high school student would write and get a C- on.


I feel that if Lapierre's poster told the truth, it would say: 

Maxim Lapierre will trash talk you to death in a French accent. 

And you will like it.

This is Alex Burrows': 

It reads: 

Undrafted. Playing in the hardscrabble ECHL, where no one knew his name. But when he was 25, he finally got his chance. A man who never, ever gave up.

All these fucking hockey players with their fucking chances. I don't know what it is with the writer reiterating the fact that all these guys got chances. Of course they got chances; if they weren't lucky talented bastards with chances they wouldn't be in the fucking NHL in the first place. Also, are you kidding me with "A man who never, ever gave up?" Are we in a Mark Wahlberg movie right now or what?


If Burrows' poster told the truth, it would say:

Alexandre Burrows may play like a total boss, but he interviews like shit.

Voilà Ryan Kesler's:

The caption reads: 

No one would have expected what he's achieved. Except his dad, who always believed in him. He plays every night like his life is on the line, and fought through the Playoffs on one leg. He never said a word.

The second sentence should be connected to the first sentence by a comma, otherwise it reads like chop suey. Also, I don't know if I'd agree that Kesler plays every night like his life is on the line. That's a hyperbole if I ever saw one. 


If Kesler's poster told the truth, it would say: 

Ryan Kesler needs to learn how to pass more. And not just to David Booth. Alain Vigneault agrees.

So please, Vancouver Canucks, please hire new writers for your ads. It would make my transit trips so much more pleasant. And if you were to hire writers, please consider me. Based on some of the example slogans I have here, I am clearly qualified for this job.