Don't get me wrong, it's not like I don't think the campaign is a great idea and the emotion behind it to be really sweet and consumerist friendly, but THOSE POSTERS.
DAMN THOSE POSTERS.
Every time I see them at the skytrain stations, I get a little angry. I mean, we pay this franchise so much fucking money to keep us happy, and they can't even hire a proper FUCKING WRITER OR EDITOR??!! Not only do the captions on the posters make me cry tears of cheese they're so lame but the captions don't even use PROPER PUNCTUATION. And it pisses me the fuck off.
Okay, let's take Maxim Lapierre's poster for example.
One trade and then another. But he wouldn't quit. Then he finally got a chance. And facing the biggest challenge of his career, he became a Vancouver Canuck.
I'm sorry, but mother fucking-WHAT?! There are so many short sentences here it feels like it was written from a drunk game of One Word Story. I think that the 20 periods used for every 2 words is the writer's way of creating suspense and drama. Unfortunately, it just reads like sports fan fiction a high school student would write and get a C- on.
I feel that if Lapierre's poster told the truth, it would say:
Maxim Lapierre will trash talk you to death in a French accent.
And you will like it.
Undrafted. Playing in the hardscrabble ECHL, where no one knew his name. But when he was 25, he finally got his chance. A man who never, ever gave up.
All these fucking hockey players with their fucking chances. I don't know what it is with the writer reiterating the fact that all these guys got chances. Of course they got chances; if they weren't lucky talented bastards with chances they wouldn't be in the fucking NHL in the first place. Also, are you kidding me with "A man who never, ever gave up?" Are we in a Mark Wahlberg movie right now or what?
If Burrows' poster told the truth, it would say:
Alexandre Burrows may play like a total boss, but he interviews like shit.
Voilà Ryan Kesler's:
No one would have expected what he's achieved. Except his dad, who always believed in him. He plays every night like his life is on the line, and fought through the Playoffs on one leg. He never said a word.
The second sentence should be connected to the first sentence by a comma, otherwise it reads like chop suey. Also, I don't know if I'd agree that Kesler plays every night like his life is on the line. That's a hyperbole if I ever saw one.
If Kesler's poster told the truth, it would say:
Ryan Kesler needs to learn how to pass more. And not just to David Booth. Alain Vigneault agrees.
So please, Vancouver Canucks, please hire new writers for your ads. It would make my transit trips so much more pleasant. And if you were to hire writers, please consider me. Based on some of the example slogans I have here, I am clearly qualified for this job.
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